Sunday, September 06, 2009

The Release

I'm not feeling well. That always unnerves me, reminds me of times past I'd rather forget. But here it is, that small panic rising in the background as I drag a listless fork through the bowl of jasmine rice. It's okay, I tell myself. It's going to be okay. Just be patient. It won't last.

Isn't it funny how the burbling and roiling of an unwell body causes my mind to pry open the dusty book on the bottom shelf called, "dreams I was too scared to fulfill". The book feels heavy, thick with pages built by apathy and too many moments of not feeling safe.

How easy it is today to feel sorry for myself. To feel unloved. To feel alone. I find the taste of bananas almost unpleasant. I read and I wait. I stare off the edge of the couch at my cat who blinks and yawns and turns away.

I move to the chair, dragging the dusty book with me. More burbling, more roiling. Tears of self pity squeeze themselves past my lower lids. Something is moving outside the house and I turn my head to the window. A bicycle. The pedals turn fast and the wheels turn slow. An older man in a helmet and tan shorts braces against the effort of my curving, inclined street.

What(?), I say to myself, and lean into the window. I blink past the tears, focus on the revolving pedals. They are being pumped by shocking white sneakers and caramel-colored plastic, the plastic of not one, but two prosthetic legs. The man in the tan shorts seems steady, determined as he rounds the curve beyond my sight.

I lift open the window. I tear out the pages of the thick, dusty book, the pages of dreams unfulfilled. I release them all to the wind and watch them tumble up the street in the bicycle's wake. I decide to like the taste of bananas.

7 comments:

  1. It does pass as soon as we forgive ourselves and look beyond. The moment lasts only for a moment. This is fantastic! Have you thought about writing as a way to make money?

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  2. Hi,
    I Love the way you took matters into your own hands and used a chance sighting to try to regain the positive. Start a new book but don't let it get dusty!

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  3. Now some would say coincidence, some would say just one of those things, this funny piece of timing, but I say a sign. A message from the Universe, and one not to be ignored. Bravo!

    Are you feeling better?
    :) Debi

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  4. Hi Graciel!
    Yes-I had a fun time sorting out all my rocks last night-ready to go! When I get home from work I shall do my first day!
    See you later,
    Sarah :)

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  5. I love this so much. turning vulnerability into freedom is an art you have mastered my friend. so inspiring.

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  6. What a swift kick in the cajones from our beloved Universe.
    I love this! So happy you dawned on the fact that it's time for choosing.
    ;)
    annnd you've made the bananas happy!!!
    The man in the tan shorts is YOU. You can do this, though you feel there is little to no understanding. The man in tan says...don't worry, just make a choice.
    xoxo

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  7. This was a wonderful post! A terrific reminder to look out the window and away from ourselves sometimes.Hope you are feeling better.

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I always appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. Thank you for stopping by. Peace from my heart to yours. xo, Graciel