Monday, October 25, 2010

without her in this world

intellectually, i know she's gone, this woman who filled my life with roses and sugar,  with adventure and warmth. but my heart has not heard the news, doesn't want to hear that news and so remains raw, bitingly raw, with unshed tears.

as she had advised in life~ her secret to aging gracefully and well, "keep moving"~ i stay in motion. amid the laundry and groceries, i stop at her grave to tidy the roses and ribbon-wishes of her family and  i cover the fresh dirt with petals. i move on to her now-former home, newly sold, yet still in transition, to gather a few last things i can't bear to be donated. i wander room to room, hoping the familiar smells of her home will bring me, finally, to tears.

they don't.

so, i keep moving.

of course, i'm lucky. of course, i'm grateful. a grandmother until one's mid-40's is rare. and this grandmother was a force to be reckoned with. but there is emptiness, as all death brings. there is not knowing what to do next, as all death brings. there is a pressing evaluation of one's own life, as all death brings.

i will keep moving until the moment, the possibly public and likely inconvenient moment, when my heart suddenly knows she is gone. beyond the tears, the river of tears, i hope to know what to do next without her in this world.


  1. Graciel, I am so sorry to hear this news. Your grandmother sounds like a very remarkable person and I am sure she is leaving a space in your life that will always belong to her.
    How amazing you had her with you for most of your adult life, what a blessing that was!
    I will keep you in my prayers. I wish you peace and serenity...
    Tina xo

  2. oh graciel. how hard this is, how hard. i cried for you while reading this and understand the keep moving. the heart is the last to accept because the heart still loves, still knows, and still holds her. as it will forever.


  3. oh that all sounds useless and empty - to give you only words. know that i give you love also.

  4. Having lost loved ones myself I know exactly what you mean. Grief is such a strange creature and we all experience it in our own ways. Sending you a virtual hug and when you stop moving and the tears come don't be afraid to let them flow.

    Love to you and your family.

  5. Thinking of you, Graciel. Saying prayers for you and sending you hugs.

  6. Oh, Graciel, I know that space...wondering where the tears are. And then they come. Sometimes much later than you expect.
    It is a strange season of life, losing those we love, and though the words cannot convey it fully, know that I am holding you gently in my heart...

  7. Dear Gracie,
    I'm so so sorry about your Oma. I know the hurt of loosing a grandmother so special, so dear, and I've had that moment (inconveniently public) more than one time, when I've broken down in tears...on my way into a supermarket when I burst into tears and had to make my blurry way back to my car and let it out for a thrift store when I thought of something she would've bought...It has been 14 years, and I still have heartache. I understand the raw feelings, too. Oh heart is with you.

  8. you will know and you will move through it just as she taught you. it will hurt and it may bring you to your knees, but your love will carry you through. and if you need a hand to help you up, i am close.

  9. Dear Graciel, it's so hard and difficult to go on I know, and yes how right you are, it does bring home to us how fragile we all are.
    What a really lovely idea to have ribbon wishes...I've never heard of these before, so much nicer.

    Our hearts go out to you dear friend!

    Big Hugs for you,

  10. I think your heart knows what it's doing, and you are wise to be gentle with it. And keep moving - good advice from your cherished grandmother, to all of us.

  11. Oh sweet lady, I do hear you I do feel your tears coming to the surface soon...She's telling you to be strong and know she will always be there for you, even on the other side of the moon.

    Listen to her wistle to you, in your heart you'll be able to hear her, smell her even. Just close your eyes and be in that moment, only with your beloved oma. She will even stroke your hair as she did when you were little so soft and gentle. And she loved what you did with the rose petals, what a way to cover the dirt. You always knew how to make things look pretty she answers.

    If only I could be there for you my friend. And let your oma 'talk' through me to you. Do have faith she's still out there for you.
    Take that moment love.
    Wonderful hugs ever Dagmar
    ps if you have any quiestions do ask me please. XXX


I always appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. Thank you for stopping by. Peace from my heart to yours. xo, Graciel