Tuesday, April 07, 2009

She Says She's Not a Jesus Girl

I'm not a Jesus girl. At least, not in any traditional sense. I do not attend church, unless it is at my Mother's rare request. Yet, I find myself highly attracted to much of the architecture and art and decor used to create the hallowed walls of churches. So, here's the irony. It's Easter week and I feel like I'm dying. Figuratively.
Angst is rampant and I just may be carving out some ulcers. All because I make the regular and silly proclamation to the Universe at large that I would like to grow and better myself and move beyond my fears. No existing in a state of peace and bliss for this girl. Oh, no. Let's see how far up the path I can go. But sometimes, on that path, an abyss stretches forth. To move beyond the abyss requires a leap of faith. To leap requires letting go of the life and the cocoon I exist in. Letting go feels like death. Hence the angst.
I'm staring at an abyss this week, wondering and wavering. I'm assessing my levels of courage. I'm weighing my options. I'm eating and sleeping poorly. I'm feeling nostalgic about my cocoon. But I know myself. Forward is my only direction. Even if I bring ulcers along.
I'm not a Jesus girl. But I'm aware of the coincidental timing and example. To allow new life to emerge, death is the price to be paid. So I stand at the abyss and read a scrap of paper that floated out of a mountainous pile on my desk~ "She let her world fall apart, her world turn to mush. In the falling and the mush, her heart was healed. And she became the butterfly queen".
With luck and eyes closed, by Friday, I may just have made the leap. By Sunday, I'll be looking for butterflies on the far side of the abyss.
{Stained glass windows from: Westminster Presbyterian Church in Buffalo, NY.}


  1. Anonymous4/07/2009

    My Lady,
    I will confess, I AM a Jesus girl, but not in the fundamental sense we know it today. I spent my Sundays as a child in Sunday school, taught by both my Grand Aunt and my Mother. As much as I hated going to any school(my social anxiety), there is now an appreciation for that.
    I see now that what these women gave to me was not only parables (I absolutley LOVE parables!), but there own nourishment and strength through these. I still enjoy Jesus' teachings, they are very Zen. I also still enjoy how those teachings have created my family life as safe and sacred.
    So, there is a bigger picture, too. It is Spring, Jesus was resurrected, just as my tulips are, just as my spirit is in the wake of more light, and just as this happens, I appreciate the cycle of the seasons. It is always a reminder that no matter what, things move on, and always for the reality of what must be. We must take refuge in that.
    Remember bodhicitta. Be with what is.
    Love to you.

  2. I'm not a "Jesus girl" in the traditional sense either Graciel, but I've recently have stopped pushing the "idea" of the traditional Jesus away and begun accepting him as one of the many ascended masters who are here to love and assist me on my journey.

    Leaving our cocoon is a huge leap and yes, you're right...it's dying to the old you and rebirthing into the new. I don't think this process ever stops either, if we choose to keep growing throughout life but maybe...hopefully...it gets less scary and a little easier!

    Sending love to help with the scary parts.

    ps. watching Libby Sauter walk the Lost Arrow Spire Highline always give me courage when I need it!


  3. I'm not a Jesus Girl either, Graciel, but I think there is much to learn from all kinds of teaching. He was a smart man, and kind...so what's not to like? It's what people do with him that, at times, seems so out of sync.
    It is such a feeling of unity to see what you can learn from all corners of life. I totally agree with Kate who commented earlier.

    I love the quote about the butterfly queen...is that from you?

  4. Graciel, I do profess a faith in Jesus, which you probably already know. It is your choice whether you do or not. I can say that my faith has brought me much comfort and joy.

    I do understand your feelings of insecurity and doubt. I wish you all the best in crossing that abyss which you face and that you find more butterflies than you can ever count on the other side.


I always appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. Thank you for stopping by. Peace from my heart to yours. xo, Graciel