last year, 12~24
My Queen of Christmas is gone.
This was her beloved time of year.
She excelled in creating beauty,
comfort and joy for all in her realm.
The cookies, the stollen, the exquisitely
wrapped and thoughtful gifts.
The advent calendar and wreath.
The Santa collection and real candles on her tree.
I hardly know what to do this year.
I wander between wanting to forget Christmas entirely,
to imitating her ways in her honor,
to finding my own style of celebrating.
And so, I am here.
Unsure.
A little sad.
Finding my way forward in this
first advent season without her.
I am giving myself a little window to open each day,
hoping for a breath of renewal,
and starshine to light my way.
Yes, you are here. And that is the only place you can be just now, this here. We are here with you. May each window you open let a little more memory in, a little more grief out. Xoxo
ReplyDeletei came here last night and began to cry. i am back to tell you you will find your own way of doing this, though it may not be this year. this year is the floundering year, the asking year, and you take baby steps and you fill the holes as fast as you can but you won't be fast enough - new ones keep appearing. and that's how it should be. you step forward. you eat sugar cookies and listen to christmas carols and celebrate the season day by day. i liked to picture my mother dangling her toes off the clouds, sitting with christmas angels, keeping a eye on me, dropping love down upon me like chocolate drops from heaven. i'm sure there is room for your mom on that cloud. xoxox
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