Sunday, November 07, 2010

i am there

with tea and raspberries i sit on the floor, cross-legged, and pry the lid off the small plastic tote. suddenly she is there and i am there and we are eating confections at her kitchen table, talking of her younger days on the cusp of the german north sea. i lean into the tote filled with tokens of the second half of her life, the life that i knew and was part of. it is ripe and resplendent with smells of her home. i finger the tea strainer, the apron, the worn wooden spoons, the cocktail records from berlin. i snap the lid down on the tote to preserve the sanctuary of scent. a very small puddle of tears form in my eyes.

one item from the tote remains in my lap. it is a message disguised as a book. it is a picture book of homer, alaska, given as a gift from her best friend's son. 22 years ago, i traveled to parts of alaska and fell under the spell of homer. the pull and the ache to live there, to create a life there for reasons i could not explain haunted me for 10 years after my visit. but what kept me from making the leap was all the time to be spent and all the memories to be had with her, with my oma. i could not, would not miss them. she is, was the only grandmother i knew.

so, here, on the floor with raspberries, i leaf through the book and an imprint of the long-past haunting rises. go, she says. be free. we have pockets and bushels and armloads of memories and now, let us both be free. do not hold back anymore. find your heart's spell and go, no matter how far or near. where ever you are, she says, i am there.


  1. Anonymous11/07/2010

    Graciel, This is beautiful. And Marcy and I have had the same feelings after beloved cats passed...that they are now with us MORE than ever. There is never ever another parting. :)

    Yes. GO. BE FREE. She is wiser now than ever in her Sparkle Suit. :)


  2. What a beautiful post, it brought a tear to my eye.

  3. yes, she is there in your heart where it matters most, always a part of you.
    i have to tell you, i have never been to alaska, but it is the one place i need to make it to before i die. i have no idea why i feel that way, but i do.
    hugs to you.

  4. Oh, amen!! To feeling & knowing the connection that lives beyond bodies, & for hearing the voice that says to follow your dream. Indeed, yes!

  5. I feel awful but I must read this later I'm in a hurry...
    I'm here because of your owl omen posting
    yes GOOGLE sent me to you?
    Why are we inexplicably linked, you and I?? WHY???
    Graciel, this morning the most majestic owl sighting EVER...and...right immediately following me pondering the contents of the book I'm writing for NaNoWriMo...and wondering if I should sugarcoat the details. The owl then popped in to my life.
    I read your post, you say, "The truth shall set you free." So I'm going with it.
    Something cosmic this way comes!!! Oxoxoxo
    will be back later in a hurry like i saiiiiiiddddddddd........... xoxoxo

  6. okay I'm back I felt too guilty not to read your beautiful words and so I did!!!

    I feel the absolute same. I know we are connected to everyone and everything so vastly across this fabric of space and time and with each "passing" we gain another grain of truth to add to the soup of our own lives, the truth soup.

    All are teachers and all is unconditional love!!!!

    Yay for your OMA and her life lived richly and wondrously and I SO AGREE that certain points on the globe are touchstones for our souls too.

    OKay now I gotta go!!!!! xoxoxo

  7. hahahaha, gillian! yes, it seems the online world deems me as an authority on owl sightings due to a post i wrote 4 years ago. every single day, without fail, for those 4 years, someone accesses my blog to look up the meaning of "owl omens". google search engines have me at #3 or 4 for popularity. i finally updated that post recently to mention the idea of owls asking us to speak our truth.

    i cannot wait to hear of your sighting!!! xxoo

  8. you are there. dear lord, but this is beautifully written, beautifully told, you there amongst the raspberries, alaska and freedom in your lap.

    i am glad you waited, glad you made memories to take with you wherever you fly. but now? fly.


    and right in the middle of my word verification it says seek. :)

  9. Your oma sounds like she was one amazing woman, and what a gift to feel the freedom you now describe. This is a beautiful piece of writing--and a beautiful way of moving forward as you carry your grandmother's memory with you.

    xo Gigi

  10. Oh dear Graciel, I knew this would happen, she talking to you. And do let go my friend, she will always be at your side.
    Wonderful hugs and be well.


I always appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. Thank you for stopping by. Peace from my heart to yours. xo, Graciel