There is contemplation, a need for silence and a somewhat steady flow of life evaluation. Not the evaluation that dips deep into past traumas and events~ I've already done that and may do it some more~but now, in the soft summer of little deaths and quiet beginnings, it is rather a realization of choices and the puzzle-picture they have shaped over the span of not yet 48 years.
I am seeing in a more refined way, internally and externally. Both ways of seeing have stilled ambition. I know not if the ambition will return. What is rising and welling is the secret inner life that lay wounded and wanting under the pressure, the minute-by-minute pressure of the dictates of society, employment, family, America, and the psycho-savvy media. Like an aging circus performer, I have little will left to walk the impossible rope. It is all too much and the tears are too much and the secret inner life has not wanted any of it anyway, all along.
If I evaluate my choices or simply skim the timeline of my life, a theme and a truth rise like vapors over the unruly sea of not yet 48 years~ I like who I am. I have resisted the jamming of my round peg into that uniformly square hole becasue I enjoy my own company and find sustenance in the web of my own thoughts that know unequivocally I am made of the same fluid and light as the orioles, the maples, the starfish.
I have resisted the dictates at great expense and I have come to love that expense, for in exchange I like who I am, more.
I have sought all along a simple, yet meaningful life. I have sought all along to help ease the suffering of others and I know now that need not happen at the expense of myself. I know now that the red sea of societal chaos and forced sublimation can be parted by the secret inner self having risen to the surface, declaring love. On that dry sea bed, free of chaos and dictates, I walk forward, uninhibited, with this truth~ that the only approval necessary to live a simple and meaningful life is my own.