Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A Letter Of Worth

{A friend of mine has been going through a most difficult time. Her story is familiar and applicable to many of us. After getting out of an abusive marriage, this beautiful mother eventually met a man who swept her off her feet, declared his love, made plans with her... And walked away, leaving her heart shattered for the second time. She asked for my advice on what to do and how to get over the pain. This was my response.}

My Dear Friend,

I do hope you feel a bit better now that you've spilled your heart. For myself, just being able to speak my truth is a freeing exercise. I'm happy to listen and I hope I can help.

What I want to say has nothing to do with Jack or your ex husband. I understand the angst of the situation, as I have been down that road myself. But let's take the man/men out of it. Let's focus on you.

Meeting someone when you are vulnerable and in need of validation is always a recipe for disaster. If it wasn't Jack, it would have been any man who told you how pretty you are, how smart you are, how good you make him feel. No matter who came into your life, when you are feeling bad about yourself and doubting your worth as a woman, you would end up getting hurt. Men are not the antidote for women in doubt, women in personal crisis, women whose self-esteem has been abused out of them. The answer to healing and mending and regaining self respect is the company and empathy of other women. I speak from experience. If you can find a women's support group, I would recommend that option highly. I spent 10 years with a group of women, meeting and calling regularly, just to regain and perhaps, find for the first time, my self esteem. My value. My worth as a woman. This is impossible to find in the company of a man. You must bring these self-values to a relationship, never try to find them in it.

If you do not bring self-respect to a relationship, the man will end up not respecting you. The bitter truth is, we are all the authors of our own reality. If we are cruel and verbally abusive to ourselves ( because we have been taught to do so), we will sure-as-shit attract a man who agrees with how we treat ourselves, and eventually he will treat us in kind. It is a natural law.

So, what about Jack? Mourn as deeply as you can. Rock yourself to sleep saying his name outloud. Cry buckets. Just GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. Hold nothing back in purging the sorrow. Do not soldier on if that is betraying your core essence. Do not need to be his friend if it is too painful. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND FIRST! Jack's gift to you, for coming into your life and then rejecting you, is to point out, loud and clear, where you need to shore up your own mistreatment of yourself. Everywhere he "done you wrong" is exactly where YOU "done you wrong" to start. He can only mirror back to you what you think of yourself and broadcast to the world. Never do more for a man than he does for you. NEVER!

You must figure out how to heal yourself before you can truly find love. You must give love to yourself over and over until it is a habit. Treat yourself as you do your babies. If you have nowhere to start, no idea where to turn for a support group of sorts, get on your knees and ask God to give you definite signs of where to go and who to ask. Then watch carefully for the signs, because without fail, they will appear. Without fail.

I recommend strongly the following books to heal your Soul:

A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield

In that order.

You will get over Jack. My favorite line in the movie, The Joy Luck Club is: "Losing him does not matter. It is YOU who will be found and cherished".

Have self respect. Drop all communication with him, if that is what you need to do to heal yourself and move towards wholeness. The only life that matters here is YOURS. No one else's. Heal yourself and you will grant your children the single best gift they could ever receive from you.

With love,


  1. Anonymous1/16/2007

    Another lovely, loving post full of gentle wisdom. I am going to direct a friend of mine going through similar difficulties to it. If Grace is a form of your real name, it suits you so well.

  2. this is a wonderful gift to give to your friend - and every word carries truth in it. it took the death of my lover to set me on the path to becoming my own best friend, to truly loving myself... i hope your friend finds her way there too xo

  3. Oh, my lady, it is so. It is most important that she realize that right now the men in her life are not the issue. She was vulnerable and so allowed others who were vulnerable in. It is about dealing with the core of what has brought that about; abuse, neglect, general non-emotion, whatever it may be.
    Also, let me add, that women are also able of non-emotion and abuse. We are not immune to samsara.

  4. Anonymous1/21/2007

    A beautiful letter of hope.


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