as fully expected, the dollhouse project has brought me face to face with my creative demons and my disorder of the attention deficit variety. i get only so far and suddenly the shiny object off to the left has me wandering away. it's a ploy by my 6 year old inner artist to save myself from possible creative mortification. from disapproval. from ruining something.
yes, of course, it can't be ruined. it's a creative journey of discovery. it's a means to let go of all the shoulds and can'ts. it's a chain-busting ticket to inner freedom. i am aware. yet, still, i wander away, because to know things on an intellectual level does not mean it can be easily translated into the physical. which is the only way it becomes useful knowledge and the only way i will break a pattern of non-consummation.
it is about not fully trusting myself in certain areas. okay, alot of areas. i can finish plenty of things, but usually there is no great challenge involved in reaching the end. only when i have a shot at understanding myself on a deeper level and exposing myself to others do i constantly seek the distraction. then, i won't have to face the seemingly unacceptable flaws~ the myriad ways in which i don't measure up, lose my temper, spit while talking, gain 5 pounds, have no measure of american success, and fart in public.
damn that dollhouse.
but damnation or not, i must keep going. the real issue, the real test is not what the dollhouse will look like when i (please, god) finish it, but, rather, how much compassion can i consistently offer myself during the long or short process, no matter what it looks like, and no matter what arises within.
pass the glue. it's time to let compassion beget some joy.
..and you must catch that joy as it flies by. Loved this post..and oh, how I can RELATE!
ReplyDeleteOh I loved this post too!! I go through this all the time and it is gut-wrenching. I cry, I beg God, I pray and then cry some more! I even made an appointment next month with a doctor to find out if this is normal.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about giving ourselves some compassion and letting ourselves have fun.
Thanks for the great post...oh and the dollhouse looks beautiful so far...really!
Tina xo
Art for the sake of art is a beautiful thing in my mind. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to create without constantly second guessing and judging ourselves. Go with it and enjoy it. I hope you have a good week, Graciel. :)
ReplyDeleteyes. yes, yes, yes.
ReplyDeleteI think this is exactly why my dollhouse still sits in my head. we will get there though, together, we will get there.
GO! GO! GO!
ReplyDelete:)
Who says it is permanent anyway!? Who says you can't change your mind and do OVER?! Who says you can't light it on fire if you want to!?
It is YOU and YOURS!
Those 'seemingly unacceptable flaws' make you the person that I love so much! They are the foundations that the House of Grace was built on, don't fight them, love them as I do. Add them to your arsenal, you don't have to face them, just embrace them! Without them, you would probably bore yourself to tears! AHAD, OCD, whatever...Oh, look a cow! Gotta go....
ReplyDeleteHugs of love and compassion to you, dear Kindred!
ReplyDeleteLove this post ~ and the truths & insights it contains.
I am with you in spirit as you journey onward.
xo
!! i tried to comment this morning but you know computers and their quirkiness. :)
ReplyDeleteyou made me smile, even in your thoughts of not measuring up and the damning of the dollhouse - i know this place of it not being fun, of thinking where is the joy? wasn't there supposed to be joy? i know this place well, and know that this project is to get us past that place to where the questioning stops and the joy begins, but also know the reality of that - that it will take a bit.
YOU are making progress. i plan to begin this weekend - you will know when you hear the cussing begin.
we will get there. all of us. and we won't care that we are exposing our imperfections.
xoxo