Monday, January 24, 2011
the house of grace 4
as fully expected, the dollhouse project has brought me face to face with my creative demons and my disorder of the attention deficit variety. i get only so far and suddenly the shiny object off to the left has me wandering away. it's a ploy by my 6 year old inner artist to save myself from possible creative mortification. from disapproval. from ruining something.
yes, of course, it can't be ruined. it's a creative journey of discovery. it's a means to let go of all the shoulds and can'ts. it's a chain-busting ticket to inner freedom. i am aware. yet, still, i wander away, because to know things on an intellectual level does not mean it can be easily translated into the physical. which is the only way it becomes useful knowledge and the only way i will break a pattern of non-consummation.
it is about not fully trusting myself in certain areas. okay, alot of areas. i can finish plenty of things, but usually there is no great challenge involved in reaching the end. only when i have a shot at understanding myself on a deeper level and exposing myself to others do i constantly seek the distraction. then, i won't have to face the seemingly unacceptable flaws~ the myriad ways in which i don't measure up, lose my temper, spit while talking, gain 5 pounds, have no measure of american success, and fart in public.
damn that dollhouse.
but damnation or not, i must keep going. the real issue, the real test is not what the dollhouse will look like when i (please, god) finish it, but, rather, how much compassion can i consistently offer myself during the long or short process, no matter what it looks like, and no matter what arises within.
pass the glue. it's time to let compassion beget some joy.