Monday, August 23, 2010
the purity of nothing
i have the fleas to thank. because of them, i am on a rampage. a rampage to awaken to the things that surround me. it has consumed my summer, this quest, this focused effort to remove from my space and my person that which does not serve me. it is evolutionary in nature. what i cannot see as outmoded one day is revealed as dispensable the next. the path to the doorways of donation are well worn. selling is not an option. when i decide a thing has no more meaning, i want it gone. immediately.
the void is growing and i have resisted the urge to go unconscious again and fill it back in. along the way, the inner equivalents of the physical things that no longer serve my well being (and really never did) have surfaced. in a phrase, it ain't pretty. there is nothing to do but sit with each egoistic objection as it arises and do my best to stay aware. at times, the only salvation from near-insanity and the urge to ruin my life is doing laundry. or searching for more things to get rid of.
i have no idea what lies on the other side of this ongoing rampage. i have no idea when i will reach the point of being surrounded by only things that matter, when the dregs of my unconscious collecting and my deprecating thoughts have been expunged. all i know is i cannot stop. something is driving me to awaken. even if in the end, i own the purity of nothing. even if in the end, i have gained the freedom to begin.