Monday, August 23, 2010

the purity of nothing


i have the fleas to thank. because of them, i am on a rampage. a rampage to awaken to the things that surround me. it has consumed my summer, this quest, this focused effort to remove from my space and my person that which does not serve me. it is evolutionary in nature. what i cannot see as outmoded one day is revealed as dispensable the next. the path to the doorways of donation are well worn. selling is not an option. when i decide a thing has no more meaning, i want it gone. immediately.

the void is growing and i have resisted the urge to go unconscious again and fill it back in. along the way, the inner equivalents of the physical things that no longer serve my well being (and really never did) have surfaced. in a phrase, it ain't pretty. there is nothing to do but sit with each egoistic objection as it arises and do my best to stay aware. at times, the only salvation from near-insanity and the urge to ruin my life is doing laundry. or searching for more things to get rid of.

i have no idea what lies on the other side of this ongoing rampage. i have no idea when i will reach the point of being surrounded by only things that matter, when the dregs of my unconscious collecting and my deprecating thoughts have been expunged. all i know is i cannot stop. something is driving me to awaken. even if in the end, i own the purity of nothing. even if in the end, i have gained the freedom to begin.

6 comments:

  1. wow.

    powerful stuff.

    i'm right there with you, kindred.

    purge on.

    you're inspiring!

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  2. It is a good place to be. In my experience it happens in layers & layers.
    I LOVE the last paragraph. Touches my heart~~isn't that the way of all things as a being exploring life??

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  3. The purity of nothing. I want that.
    And the freedom to begin. Again.
    Hugs!

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  4. Purging, purging, purging...spent five hours in my garage this weekend purging yet again...there seems to be no end to it.

    And within, the purging goes on as well. Every thought that's "not who I am" is discarded, even if I have to do it 100 or 1000 times a day.

    And so it goes soul sister.

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  5. I wish you could come to my house. It could use a good rampage. :) Happy week to you, Graciel!

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  6. when maggie died i kept thinking of kristofferson's song. freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose, and for the first time really, really got it. in my heart. in my gut. and i didn't like it. i really didn't.

    but this idea - the purity of nothing - calls to me from a different place. this is a nothing i strive for, this is the nothing that tells me i have enough bowls, i have enough space, i have enough. enough.

    i have always been great at throwing things out; the years have whittled away much i once thought i needed. freedom is perhaps not a word for nothin' left to lose. kristofferson may be wrong. freedom perhaps is a word for nothin' left to need. perhaps we just need to figure out when we arrive at that place.

    amazing piece here. i read it yesterday and had to sit on it. i needed time. okay. that i will keep.

    xoxo
    Debi

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I always appreciate the time you take to comment on my blog. Thank you for stopping by. Peace from my heart to yours. xo, Graciel