Forgiveness

Last evening, I went to be healed. I went to have a massage. With so much stress held in my body of late, I knew my muscles and bones were sorely in need of kneading. With a combination of strong hands, chiropractic knowledge, reflexology, acupressure and deep tissue massage, my healer worked out the kinks and ushered my chi back to a free flowing state. He also surprised me by using acupressure on 3 points along my breastbone. The pain was ridiculous. Startled laughter erupted out of me. He told me the pain was from the deep emotional wounds of my heart. He was opening the channels to release the wounds and set me free.

Today, I feel anything but free. I feel raw. Exhausted. Depressed. Lots of water and a few tears and 2 naps later, I wait for the release. While I'm waiting, the wounds I hold in my heart chakra bubble up to greet me. I wish they would just go away. They will. But not until I take decisive action.

Decisive action means acknowledging the pain. I try not to get caught up in the laundry of issues flapping on the clothesline of my mind. Instead I try to stay detached, yet loving towards myself. I'm partially successful. When I feel myself sliding into too much self pity I have the good sense to silently ask for help. And it comes in the form of a reminder. "Don't forget to be grateful."

So the next action is gratitude. For the pain, the sorrow, the wounds, the desire for release, the lessons and enlightenment that could only be granted in this manner. Gratitude, I have come to know, is the key to freedom. I muster up sincerity and declare my thanks.

But there is another action that confronts me beyond gratitude. It's name is forgiveness. Without forgiveness, the release is not complete. The wounds will simply submerge again and start their slow festering. I think of the people that contributed to the wounds of my heart and I begin to offer up forgiveness. I find it doesn't work and I wonder if perhaps I am not ready to fully forgive. I ask for help again and the revelation comes. I forgive other people easily. Who I do not forgive is myself.

Now I know the task before me. Be brave enough to forgive myself. For all my shortcomings, my soul-binding perfectionisms, my gullibility. For all the times I believed I did not deserve goodness or support. For all the times I withheld love and approval from myself. For not seeing my value, for thinking I am never going to be good enough. I owe myself forgiveness. If I can offer that to myself, I am extending that offer to everyone else at the same time.

Let me drink more and rest more and start to forgive more. Let me attend to the task of setting myself free.