The Best Medicine

It was one week ago that love paid a visit. She arrived late and stayed too short a time, but she filled me up and grounded me. She listened to me and cried with me and laughed her resplendent laugh with me as only she can. She is a member of my blood family and my soul family, that rare and precious double gift that unites hearts in unbreakable bonds.

To add to our pact, we are mutual worshippers of the sacred red raspberry and slaves to fine European chocolate. We are women evolving and we support each other's evolution. We have similar dreams of how to uplift a small corner of the world. We are whacked. We are powerful. We are members of the I-don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think-of-me club.

For me, she is the best medicine. xxoo

The Ripening

I'm waiting. And I'm waiting. Then suddenly, there is nothing to wait for. There is only the slow, natural process of ripening and the surrender to it. So much is happening while things, while life is in the process of life. There is so much to do and know and open to as the plan unfolds and rolls and expands. There are books to read and service to be given and the bottomless well of the Self to be reckoned and recognized. There are people everywhere to be loved, animals everywhere to be cared for, beauty everywhere to be embraced.

There is no more waiting for life to begin again, for the soul mate to press himself against my heart, for the creative muse to grace me with her favor. There is only God. And the calmness of this day as I cease to struggle and resist and rail against the slow process of my ripening. There is nothing, I realize, that can be achieved without standing fully and firmly in the presence of God. Nothing of lasting value. Nothing of true worth. Nothing I need bother with unless it comes to me while I am rooted and anchored in the love that is God.

I have stood outside this love for long enough, this love of That which made me. I have stood, waiting to be invited, waiting to be found worthy enough and now, I have chosen to wait no more. I have chosen to march boldly forward and grasp the hand of That which sustains my very breath and allow It to cradle me and lift my heart skyward. I march forward in a seated posture, silent, lit by candle light, heart and hands open. I wait, without waiting, each night for the palpable sensation of my own inner ripening as everything I need to know comes to me, effortless.

There is no more longing. There is no more despair. There is no more fear of missing my cue. There is now only appreciation for the pace of my ripening. Appreciation for the roots that are forming. Appreciation for the warmth of the Love that sustains my breath, and sets before me the banquet of sweets that is my life.

Bow To Yourself

You, in your sadness, in your darkness, in your fevered 3am lists of all that is wrong...

listen to me.

Lift your eyes from the floor.

Put your hands in prayer over your heart

and bow to yourself.

Bow again.

Whisper clearly to your own ears,

"I love you"

"I am here for you"

"I will never leave you".

You are everything.

Everything you will ever need to live the life

your heart cries out for.

You are complete

and Divine

and perfectly capable of making your dreams come true.

Just as you are in this moment.

Do not believe this...know this.

Know you are goodness.

Know you are valued.

Know your life matters.

Especially to God.

Bow to yourself everyday.

Ain't That America

Little pink houses for you and me.

Small Gifts

Every day, without fail, the Universe offers us small gifts. No matter what kind of day we think we are having, the gifts are offered, freely. They are ours for the taking, ours for the receiving, ours for the bolstering of happiness. Noticing them is a practiced art, for many are soft and subtle. Swift in their coming and going. Flickers of light in the dark. Today, an uncertain day, I practiced this art of receiving. This art of noticing subtle bounty. It grounded me and calmed me and lit the corners of my heart.

Today, I received another private yoga lesson. I received the cleansing breaths and deep-tissue stretches meant to clear out trapped chi. I noticed the smile of the man in the white van who let me cross the street in front of him. I noticed the unhurried gestures and calm speech of the veterinarian attending my ill cat. I noticed the unusual calmness with which my cat rode in the car to the animal hospital. I received the exquisite elegance of Arabian horses scampering through pastures near my home. A late robin calling in my yard, the resident black squirrel charging through the grass, gifts ordered from Morocco arriving at my door, kind words read in electronic mail, chilled Austrian chocolate and one ripe pear.

All gifts. All subtle, easily overlooked and taken-for-granted small gifts. Each one fleeting, each one precious, each one meant to expand my heart and increase my joy. I noticed them all. I took them all. And my uncertain day became certain with joy.

For Michael

For my dear friend, Michael, on behalf of the passing of his Beloved Sue~

"For what is to die but to stand naked

in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to

free the breath from its restless tides,

that it may rise and expand and seek

God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of

silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top,

then shall you climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs,

then shall you truly dance."

Kahlil Gibran

After Despair

"After despair, many hopes flourish

just as after rain

thousands of roses open.

Surrender to the Almighty~

and be led into life."

Jelaluddin Rumi

I have lived this year in a mist of despair. It comes, it goes, it comes again. It burns away when sunshine rises, then floats back on silent wings and settles at my feet, obscuring the ground I walk on. Recently, the mist became a fog. The fog was thick with loss and illusions of lack of love. Headlights and streetlights and years of accumulated spiritual light would not shine the fog away, nor open a path that led beyond it. As the fog pressed closer and the dampness of despair became a constant drip, that still, small voice ~the ever-present savior within~ whispered its 11th hour wisdom.

The whisper, the foglight, repeated a passage from a book I read recently: "Go after God like a man whose head is on fire goes after water". It was the only thing left for me to do. The only sane thing left to do. And so I sat down. Literally. On my pink yoga brick cushioned with a blanket, legs crossed in front of me, palms up and open on my knees. I sat for 2 hours the first night. Just sat with my eyes open, looking at the lit green candle on the other side of the room. 6 nights in a row now I have sat on my pink brick. I have gone after God with a passion. The same passion that could not seemingly find a foundation and drew the fog around me, is now fueling the hot, pregnant silence where Creation lives. That silence, I have found, has alot to say.

Sitting in silence, I was told: The greatest longing is for intimacy with one's self. We seek intimacy with others as a portal to our pure essence, our individual expression of God. We seek intimacy with others, in a sometimes addictive manner, because it feels so damn good to be in the presence of our best self, our happiest self. But we cannot expect or need our fix for happiness to be supplied by another. It must come from within. We must learn what it is to be intimate with ourselves, to care deeply for ourselves, to bring ourselves roses. For we are the Beloved we are seeking. We are the chalice that holds the pure, sweet essence that is God. We are the Holy Grail unto ourselves.

In a relationship, when things are going well, we feel our own love shining forth onto the other. It is our own love, shared and poured forth, that gives us the high and the quenching. It is the sensation of the love within us rising up through our veins and flooding itself out into the world that we crave. We crave approval from ourselves, acceptance from ourselves, and unconditional love from ourselves. No one else's love or approval can hold a candle to that of our own. Because when we approve and accept and love, we have drunk from the well within that is God. And there is no other goal in life but to drink deeply and continually from that singular expression of Creation that we are.

When two Beings who are versed in intimacy with the self come together, there does Nirvana lie. There does Heaven sweep over the earth. There does God's Promised Land evolve.

It is now the 7th day after despair. My roses are opening and I am allowing myself, through silence, to be led into Life. To go after God. To quench my thirst with my own love.