I am currently unable to participate, to any large extent, in the happenings and gloriously interesting things of this world. My ass is in the process of being kicked. My layers of self-protection are being peeled away. My views and opinions and lenses are being adjusted in a lengthy, sometimes uncomfortable process. None of which is conducive to a general party mood or a mood of carefree abandon needful to explore the world. In the latter part of my 6th cycle of seven year cell change-overs, my life in its entirety seems up for review.
Each time my cells end and begin another 7 year run, life gets peeled and turned and shaken. Directions are adjusted and a new map needs to be drawn. New aspects of myself are brought to the surface. Outmoded, outdated ones are urged to the compost pile.
One outmoded aspect that hit the pile hard was my now former tendency, no~ make that reliable trait~to abandon my own instincts, my own inner knowing in deference to someone else's opinion. Anyone else's opinion. If I knew something to be true to my core, in the inner-most chambers of my heart, but someone came along with a louder, stronger opinion on the subject at hand, I would reliably back away from my own wisdom and assume the other must be right. Assume they must know truth more firmly than me. The totality with which I have thrown myself away and denied the voice of God as it speaks directly to my heart hit me square in the face as the summer began. I had to step back, remove the brick from my forehead, look at my life as a whole, and force myself to see clearly where I have practiced the same dark art against myself in too many areas. Where I have allowed people outside me to wield too much importance, and have too much say in the path God has set up specifically for me.
This realization has been the gift of a lifetime. A gift that will carry me forward with greater love, greater boldness and greater trust as the next 7 years unfold. And so I am allowing more layers to be peeled away, more adjustments to made, more outmoded aspects and traits to be revealed and healed. I am allowing God to direct the set-up for the coming cycle~ "leave this behind...take this with you...let go of this fear... sorry, but you really need to get over that one... love yourself more, love yourself more, love yourself more".
I can't seem to hurry along this general, needful ass-kicking. It will take as long as it takes to get the job done. The job of preparing me for greater adventure and love without condition, dreams realized and the world embraced.
This is a blessing. Always, always remember, the Universe provides. Once again we seem to be moving about our lives in a similar manner. It is truly time to move on, also a prodding from the powers that be. Wish me luck in my first REAL attempt at a REAL date in four years!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I want to thank you personally. The Universe not only brought you my brother, but to me, and you are a boon to both of us.
ReplyDeletePeace to you.
Trust me, the feeling is mutual. Namaste, dear friend...
ReplyDeleteEach Wednesday nite, before our regular AA meeting, 3 of us get together for 45 minutes by ourselves. It is not because we're special, but because we're flawed and know it and have a special ability to hear each other as no one else can.
ReplyDeleteI would feel privileged if you lived nearby, as I know the others would , too, to invite you to be #4.
The privilege and the honor, dear Barry, would be all mine. Because this #4 knows she's flawed and seeks hourly, daily and weekly to live with and prosper from those flaws. There is nothing better for gaining clarity than the voices and stories of fellow seekers.
ReplyDelete