the metaphor

Jane's Carousel, Brooklyn

The night of October 29th, 2012

An island of joy and hope in the storm.

{photo credit~ unknown. sent to my email from instagram}

this is what i imagine

this is what i imagine.

that when you pass from this world, a veil is lifted.
you are granted a view of what transpired in your life without the
tactics of filters, defensive measures, or oblivion.

some may call this judgement day.
some may call this hell.
some may call this sweet relief or heaven.

what i imagine it is, is simple truth.

truth that can set your soul free.
truth that allows you to make adjustments to your soul's path.
maybe even truth that grants you insight to your fondest relations.



i have sensed her trying to get my attention.
the 4 women in 1 day all wearing her black rain coat with beige trim and hood.
the singular chickadee and 3 male cardinals swooping into my yard.
the conversation with her niece at vinegar hill house.

i wonder if she sees me differently now.
i imagine it would be impossible not to.

just as i see her differently~ her secret and sentimental life revealed to me,
1 greeting card saved and 1 broach at a time.
her citizenship papers and locks of hair.

she is more to me than ever.
i now know our relationship continues.
we are miners of each other,
scratching for gold with silvered forks
and i imagine, finding it.

the great escape

runaway train

brooklyn bridge

brownstone row

elevated life

 reigning queen of tea

a feast for all senses~ bellocq

brooklyn ferry

carousel under glass

jane's carousel

my heart

hi-line, nyc

always, flowers

an open mind

from where i stand, the world does not look the same.
because i am thinking differently.
because my mind is more open.
my understanding, larger.

watching some one die, slowly, is like taking a hand-crank can opener to your brain.
fussy forms of thinking and analyzing gain jagged, bleeding edges until you simply must
rip the old lid off, exposing your grey matter to chaos.

eventually, a protective sheath forms to filter out
the dust particles and leaf mush,
but there will never be a lid again.
you have no choice but to remain open.
and figure out what the hell to do next, knowing what you know.



there looms large the absurdity of material possessions.
the ones that became utterly useless, devoid of purpose and meaning in the slow blink of an eye.
what to do with them, hers and yours.
how much do you really need?
how much do you keep for honor and sentimentality?
my god, where do you put it all?

a shoebox of photos and a ring would suffice.
it's paralyzing.

let it all sit, just where it is.
pray for strength and clarity.

reach for your new life in any way you can. an open mind is a wonder.

i was not expecting this

 

There is no explaining grief.
But I will say it has gotten more difficult as the weeks go by,
as the void reveals itself and the chasm to be crossed, vast.

For me, everything has changed.
I was not expecting this.

I do know the happiness of her children is what will help her
find peace in her world made new.

And so, there are waters to navigate.
Old skins to shed.
Previously unimaginable choices to be made.

I wonder if a new freedom and new shades of orange wait on the further shore.
I wonder if I am already there in some form,
waiting with tulips and jonquils to lay at my unshod feet.