The clock is ticking. It's winding down. I'm waiting for the final bell to toll. The bell that chimes and ends my long and love-filled days of Romance. It has been 4 days since my beloved cat, Romance, has chosen to eat. She has told me it is not a matter of if she will go, but when she will go. She has been unhappy since her favorite servant, Rain Dance, went on to new adventures and left her behind. She has cried and begged for food non-stop since May. Then, 2 weeks ago she told me she needed a new companion. Being dutiful to the Queen, I began my search and found her a new subject on the first try. Only, now I understand the new subject was for me all along. Romance had plans and needed to be sure I was taken care of before she could depart. And so she has become a bag of sweet, little bones, purring and reassuring me God's plan is in order. I am in hospice-mode, doing everything in my power to make her comfortable. Guarding her, kissing her, cleaning her as her bodily functions break down,and keeping water bowls filled. I'm crying buckets too. Through the weepy hours, I remind her of the first mouse she ever slew and dropped so proudly on my bed at 3 am; of her inspiring ability to play with pipe cleaners for hours, of the motor-boat purrs and big pink ears that melted my heart everyday. I remind her how, since the day we found each other, she has filled my life with love and grace for 11 years. Nature is more wise than me. I am doing my level best to honor the progression of the natural order unfolding in my home. But I am loathe to let some one I love suffer. In posing the question of "what should I do?" to my experienced cat-friend, Lisa, she replied, "She has been with you for a very long time, and if you follow your heart now, you won't be wrong. Listen to her, and listen to yourself, and do whatever you think will bring you both the most peace. Every decision that you make is made with love, and therefore, can't be the wrong choice." Will I wait for the bell to toll on its own or will I decide to ring it? I don't know in this moment. It is not the moment to decide. I am too weepy and am contemplating my great appreciation for the gifts she gave everyday. But answers will come in one form or another, and Lisa's advice will cradle my heart in these, my last moments of a sweet and white Romance.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
A Sweet and White Romance
The clock is ticking. It's winding down. I'm waiting for the final bell to toll. The bell that chimes and ends my long and love-filled days of Romance. It has been 4 days since my beloved cat, Romance, has chosen to eat. She has told me it is not a matter of if she will go, but when she will go. She has been unhappy since her favorite servant, Rain Dance, went on to new adventures and left her behind. She has cried and begged for food non-stop since May. Then, 2 weeks ago she told me she needed a new companion. Being dutiful to the Queen, I began my search and found her a new subject on the first try. Only, now I understand the new subject was for me all along. Romance had plans and needed to be sure I was taken care of before she could depart. And so she has become a bag of sweet, little bones, purring and reassuring me God's plan is in order. I am in hospice-mode, doing everything in my power to make her comfortable. Guarding her, kissing her, cleaning her as her bodily functions break down,and keeping water bowls filled. I'm crying buckets too. Through the weepy hours, I remind her of the first mouse she ever slew and dropped so proudly on my bed at 3 am; of her inspiring ability to play with pipe cleaners for hours, of the motor-boat purrs and big pink ears that melted my heart everyday. I remind her how, since the day we found each other, she has filled my life with love and grace for 11 years. Nature is more wise than me. I am doing my level best to honor the progression of the natural order unfolding in my home. But I am loathe to let some one I love suffer. In posing the question of "what should I do?" to my experienced cat-friend, Lisa, she replied, "She has been with you for a very long time, and if you follow your heart now, you won't be wrong. Listen to her, and listen to yourself, and do whatever you think will bring you both the most peace. Every decision that you make is made with love, and therefore, can't be the wrong choice." Will I wait for the bell to toll on its own or will I decide to ring it? I don't know in this moment. It is not the moment to decide. I am too weepy and am contemplating my great appreciation for the gifts she gave everyday. But answers will come in one form or another, and Lisa's advice will cradle my heart in these, my last moments of a sweet and white Romance.
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Never forget that you are love in its purest form, my darling Graciela. You have shown it true to all of those who are willing to accept it...including Rain and Romance. They have loved you for everything that you are, as you have done the same for them. You will know what is right.
ReplyDeletemuch love,
Kasia
My thoughts are with you. I went through this two years ago ... and was only able within the past month to take in another cat. Like you I understood what my earlier cat, Bear, was telling me ... even without words. I continue to marvel at the connection we had. Isn't it amazing what love can transcend?!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a difficult time...sacred yet difficult even knowing of it's sacredness.
ReplyDeleteI understand how hard it is to say goodbye to a dear, furry 4 footed friend. My dog Jessie died 3 years ago, just a few hours before my mother died...so I knew he was there waiting to greet her as she transitioned. It was comforting to know that they arrived together.
I love that you listen to Romance and hear what she needs you to know. I believe that animals are able to make this transition much easier that we people do as they're much closer to spirit and don't have the "illusions" that most people do, of this being the "end".
My thoughts are with you and I send you love and hugs dear friend.
One Art
ReplyDeleteby Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
*********************************
Yours is my favorite blog. I am delurking to send you warm wishes. My heart goes out to you in this difficult period.
rice
Thank you all so very much for your kind and compassionate comments. Each one has helped...
ReplyDeleteDear Graciel,
ReplyDeleteI feel for you and your heavy heart... it hurts so much to let go of the ones we love so very much.
She is such a beautiful cat, she reminds me of Cinba, our first cat, she would wait in the 3rd floor apartment window everyday until she would spot one of us walking home, then she would start meowing so loud that we could hear her...then all night she would be right there, wherever we went. She was such a lovely cat...sigh. xooxox
thinking of you and sending love.
misty
Wow, you were in my thoughts several times today (8/5), and I went back and forth about calling you, but ultimately sensed you needed space. I just read your blog and now know with what you have been coping.
ReplyDeleteI think it is unimaginable to deal with the loss and illness of two beloved pets within such a short space of time. You are a tower of strength and a model of perseverance. God be with you, G. I know He and Remmi will see you through this difficult experience.
I read this AFTER reading your post about Romance's goodbye, and am moved by how your heart DID know - how Romance knew to tell you.
ReplyDeletePlease take care.
Debi