I am the caterpillar that has turned to mush inside its cocoon. I am the woman in a state of unhurried transition. Cooped up and forced to let go of who I know myself to be. Hoping to emerge one day, one hour, one minute with a clear direction on how to move forward in my life. How to stop inching and crawling along and learn to fly on untested wings.I never saw this coming, this soul-deep, emotional tidal-wave-of-a-transition. It has not been fun and it has gone on seemingly beyond acceptable limits. But likely, the point of it all is to break me free of self-imposed limits. I have more than a few. Some are staunch and decades old. None of them serve my higher good. And so, the Universe has decided to crush me, mush me like a bug, stew me in my own juices and make me wait. Wait through the tears, the mind-babble and the long moments of unhappiness. Wait through the restlessness, the insults to ego and the yearnings which cannot be named.
I have stewed so long I have almost evaporated. Which, again, is the point. When the old me, the self-limiting me, the I-can't-possibly-deserve-that me has dissolved into vapors, only then can the reformation begin. Only then can I possibly hope to carry out the dreams I have for myself. Dreams of deep love and family. Dreams of serving the greater good of humanity. Dreams of healing nature from the worst of humanity. Dreams of daily peace of mind.
What will bring about my reformation? What will move me beyond the mush? What will form my butterfly wings? Patience with myself. A surrender of the woman I used to be. Acceptance and nonresistance of the turmoil within me. And willingness. Willingness to allow the woman God meant for me to be to transition, to emerge and to fly.
Here is a comment from my friend and fellow blogger, Barry Weber. You can find his blog, The First Morning, linked in my right hand margin. It's always worthwhile...
ReplyDeleteagain, for some reason, I cannot get blogspot to "take" my comments to you- I have the same problem with thesobsister. Anyway, here is my comment for this wonderful piece about transformation..
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I have stewed so long I have almost evaporated. Which, again, is the point. When the old me, the self-limiting me, the I-can't-possibly-deserve-that me has dissolved into vapors, only then can the reformation begin.
This paragraph is true, maybe even beyond your intentions for it, I think. I read a lot of physics and astronomy stuff in a attempt to be of some aid in helping individuals write the New Story which must be, based on the new overflow of information in the last 50 years, about our origins.
One of the really fascination aspects of EVERTHING in the universe, from the explosions of supernovas to the conception of eggs within a mosquitoes womb, is the attraction between things, the allure between certain things ( i.e. nothing is directly attracted to everything), and the absorption of one thing into another for the creation of something new. The sperm cell is absorbed into the egg cell and something like neither one results. The Milky Way is moving toward that inevitable time when it will be absorbed by the Andromeda galaxy and a new galaxy will be formed. Both entities were vital to what will be new, and will live on in the new, but be utterly different.
When we know those things, we can embrace those things as being the natural processes of everything. We are always becoming if we let the universe have at us.(which is the proper, but more difficult translation of God's name in Exodus, where it usually reads, "I am that I am." It really should be "I am becoming that I am becoming.") If we get in the way of God's inevitabilities for us, we sink into ourselves, remain unhappy, easily addicted, and badly affecting everyone and everything around us for many generations.
When the Milky Way is absorbed by the Andromeda and something new begins its billions-of-years evolution, it will be a reflection of what has already occurred in your life, as you are describing it. You, and all of us who are trying to, are speaking on behalf of the universe that formerly had no voice, or ability to reflect upon itself. Which is pretty cool, yes?