the house of grace 4

as fully expected, the dollhouse project has brought me face to face with my creative demons and my disorder of the attention deficit variety. i get only so far and suddenly the shiny object off to the left has me wandering away. it's a ploy by my 6 year old inner artist to save myself from possible creative mortification. from disapproval. from ruining something.

yes, of course, it can't be ruined. it's a creative journey of discovery. it's a means to let go of all the shoulds and can'ts. it's a chain-busting ticket to inner freedom. i am aware. yet, still, i wander away, because to know things on an intellectual level does not mean it can be easily translated into the physical. which is the only way it becomes useful knowledge and the only way i will break a pattern of non-consummation.

it is about not fully trusting myself in certain areas. okay, alot of areas. i can finish plenty of things, but usually there is no great challenge involved in reaching the end. only when i have a shot at understanding myself on a deeper level and exposing myself to others do i constantly seek the distraction. then, i won't have to face the seemingly unacceptable flaws~ the myriad ways in which i don't measure up, lose my temper, spit while talking, gain 5 pounds, have no measure of american success, and fart in public.

damn that dollhouse.

but damnation or not, i must keep going. the real issue, the real test is not what the dollhouse will look like when i (please, god) finish it, but, rather, how much compassion can i consistently offer myself during the long or short process, no matter what it looks like, and no matter what arises within.

pass the glue. it's time to let compassion beget some joy.

the house of grace 3

it is becoming a meditation for me,

this dollhouse project.

it is filling me up with joy.

ideas are coming fast and gentle,

like petals strewn ahead of me on my path.

words enfold the exterior, 

paying homage to my love of 

 uplifting through language.

there are no more nerves.

the house of grace 2

perfectionista be damned.

the house of grace

back in november, an idea began to formulate. on christmas day, the idea took hold and i found myself unearthing an unfinished dollhouse from the recesses of my parent's basement. it was a present to me in 1976, meant to be wallpapered and set up as a properly furnished little house. obviously, it was forgotten.

actually, it was too intimidating.


perfectionism, taught early on, is the ultimate joy-kill.

34 years later, suddenly, it is time to attend to the house. not properly, however. this little house is to be my waterloo, my slow death of perfection, my journal, my canvas, my reclamation of joy.

31" wide, 16" deep, almost 27" high at the removable peak. and it's heavy.

i cannot tell you what it will look like when it is finished, or even if i will finish it. it represents a thousand different things to me; the home i long for, fear of doing it wrong and my unrealized potential, for starters. i fully expect to come up against the 997 other fears and revelations it will whisper along the way. but i tell myself there are no rules or shoulds or timetables. there is only doing and re-doing, if i choose. this is an open-ended adventure. this is joy therapy. this is the house of grace.



and so, as i am inclined to do, i shared this idea with debi of emmatree blog. as fate and freakishly-connected brains would have it, she, too, was thinking of dollhouses for 2011 and planned to build one for herself. no rules, no pressure to finish it, and maybe even take a wrecking ball to it by june. it is simply a path of discovery. naturally, we asked kelly of blue muse fame to join us. she's giving it some serious thought.

this, then, is the dollhouse project.

stay tuned. perfection is walking the plank.



update~ january 2011: kelly is definitively in. and now, the lovely katie of into the woode wants to play along. and kathy, too! and marilyn of heartsdelights is making seasonal houses.

could there be more grown women who need this kind of creative, perfection-crushing  therapy? could it be YOU? would you like to come play with us and chart your progress online? do i here a giggle and a "yes'?