this is the life #7

deep appreciation for the glory of autumn

orange orb obsession

happy halloween!!

~pumpkin/floral designs by, my friend, tina rainville

this is the life #6

6 pies for thankschristmas

the yellow lady of honor

~yellow callas, yellow roses, green mini hydrangea, hypericum, billy balls~

jack o'tractor

this is the life #5

holding heaven

treat yourself to the best

the bride and her favorite ladies

this is the life #4

"bear", with lisa

~wheel horse for the donnell belgian 6 hitch~

the bride's collection
~ broach bouquet~

"bear" and company in the 6 hitch ring

this is the life #3

here she comes!

~david austen "juliet" roses, hypericum, pink freesia, pale pink roses~

skyline farm percherons

3rd story garden~ brooklyn, ny

this is the life #2

for the lady of honor~

mango callas, orange roses, mini gerbs and billy balls

paper white birch

grooming renaldo

this is the life #1

the jersey girls

she found love again. at last.

simon blue~ the lesson cat.

 he found me. he claimed me. i fell head over heels. 

and then he was gone.

i'm crushed.

apples along the way

super~cute, fully groomed mr. solomon

While Tina grieves and slowly processes the terrible loss of her horse, Chance, I will be giving some love and attention to Chance's companion, Solly. Equine therapy continues. I put on my boots, cut up some apples, dug up some courage and went to the barn by myself for the very first time. As luck and the Universe would have it, Renaldo's mom was there to give me confidence and help me with the cross ties. 

We did well together, Mr. Solly and I. A calm and thorough grooming was followed by walking in the arena. I learned what his voice sounds like, although I have yet to understand what he's talking about, and I also learned he likes to role on the ground in the arena. Next time, we will reverse the order of things with walking first and grooming second, so as to preserve my fur-beautifying skills for more than 15 minutes. We rounded out the day with grazing on grass and a successful return to his stall. There were many apples along the way. 

last chance

Chance~ July 29, 2013

*looking handsome after I groomed him*

And just like that, my mentor in getting over my fear of horses is gone.

Chance colic-ed and died last night.

His rescuer, human Mom, best friend and herd leader, Tina, was

with him as he passed. Her heartbreak is miles deep because as much as she saved Chance,

Chance has saved her. He was loved by many, including me. The first time I sat on him, I cried.

6 days ago he allowed me to feel confident and empowered.

God bless your fabulous soul, Mr. Chance. Thank you for everything.
And thank you, Tina, for sharing your boy with me.

equine therapy

mr. solly ~ groomed and ready

getting more acquainted (photo by, tina)

losing my fears by the minute (photo by, tina)

lunging with mr. chance (photo by, tina)

and...the muppet of my dreams~ renaldo!

(he is fond of my bag of apples)

it is said that everyone grieves differently. that grief is a process. that it will catch you off guard over and over again. my process has felt like falling down a well, causing me to feel un~well and reclusive. not being one to easily ask for help, it has taken some time to devise a plan of how to climb back out.

i began with the simplest of silent prayers to no one in particular~ "please help me." i asked this over and over for days and weeks.

along with my prayers, i knew instinctively the way out of the well included horses. but the lift up and out would require losing my baseless fear of them. overcoming one fear to soothe another.

so, i asked for help.

and miss tina answered with generosity and compassion and her 2 rescued horses. this is my second week of meeting her at the big barn with 11 apples split into bites. i've learned to put a harness on both her horses, to walk beside them, to groom them and shift with them when they fidget. today we worked the lunge line. 

already, i can feel a change. more courage, more calm, more willingness to speak up. i am beginning to see the light.

fresh hay

There came a recent time when the barn was almost empty. There were no words to speak of that almost emptiness, that dearth of all things that felt sustaining. I walked the floors kicking at the thin layer of hay and dust, searching for what to do, how to fill it all back up again. But in the kicking and shuffling back and forth, I came to understand there is no filling back up or in with what has already been and what used to be.

There came a recent time when the only option was to let the almost emptiness be.

To allow, allow the ghosts of fear and falseness dance the length of the dusty boards until the dirge of decades exhausted itself.

It still has a few more refrains to play.

And I still have almost nothing to say.

I am only just now scouting fields for fresh hay.

The time of choosing and cutting and baling to fill in the almost emptiness will arrive, I trust, someday.



{p.s. and by the way~ do not interpret this as tinged with sadness. it is re-calibration that cannot be expressed. neither happy nor sad. simply what is and has been. xo}

know it all

my tiny soothe-me garden

despite the chaos and the upset, despite any inclination to feel lost, the answers we seek are usually right before us. actually, they are inside of us with the magical ability to project themselves outside of us, at our feet or in front of our eyes.

but chaos and upset cloud our vision and our instinctual knowing. the only way to invoke the answers to the questions of the moment is to first find a way to soothe ourselves. when we are soothed, we relax. when our mind and body feel safe and at ease, everything we need to know shows up.

soothing ourselves takes effort. we need to commit to the effort to get to that metaphorical place of peace. standing at the freezer door inhaling ice cream is not the soothing i speak of. it is much more an atmosphere of peace that needs to be created; a setting up or preparing of nest, food, bath or nature sanctuary. building something, riding a bike, sailing. the effort must result in a calming of the entire nervous system. 

if that happens, when that happens, there is nothing we cannot know.

Thank You

blank canvas

if you come to my door

you will be greeted

 with simple

with texture

and

 with a blank canvas on the wall.

because there is no image, no word

that defines the quality of the soul,

nor is there anything to be dragged

from one day to the next.

the blank canvas is

 the benediction and the prayer

of the now.

lift and joy

mr. solly, the arabian boy

to the fox who wandered through my tiny town backyard,

to the orioles who came back and sing resplendent songs through my window,

and to mr. solly who made me unafraid of horses today with his gentle, gentle ways,

i thank you all for giving me lift and joy

by simply being your magnificent selves.

cardinal rules

retablo, mala beads, male cardinal

These are the cardinal rules~

I am always learning. Emotions are not to be feared even when they terrify me. I have purpose even if I can't for the life of me remember what it is. Purpose shifts and transforms. Death is an end, but more so a beginning. Every moment is sacred because in the midst of everything there are mind-blowing miracles taking place. Broken hearts can be healed with effort. Nothing is a burden unless I decide it is. I can decide differently. The ability to see color is like winning the lottery every day. Silence is golden and birdsong is platinum. Beauty keeps my Soul inflated. Tea is Holy. Nature is my Church and my answer. If Love is the only reality, and it is, then I am always and forever going to be okay.

Mother's Day

 May, 2011~ Bremen, Germany/ My Mutti and me

We went back to her homeland for Mother's Day

I did not realize this first Mother's day without her would trip me up to the extent it has. I am one kind word or inquiry away from a public irruption of tears that is the stuff of nightmares. I had no idea people would send messages, call and approach me at work to tell me they are thinking of me or to discuss my Mother.

I thought I was doing fine.

Until I realized I am not.

When do I stop automatically saying to myself. "Oh, I can't wait for her to see this one" when I press the shutter button on my camera? When do I understand she is not coming back? 

A wise woman once told me, long before my Mother left, it takes at least 2 years to recover from the loss of one's Mother because, good or bad, it is the most significant relationship of a lifetime. I never forgot her words.

I no longer wear the black leather coat. I wear her green one instead.

late bloomers

Spring came late. But it finally arrived with blue skies and no humidity and the most ravishing burst of scented blooms.

My great hope is the metaphor.

Bounty and sweetness for all.

rejoice

magnolia

"If the sight of blue skies fills you with joy,

if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you,

if the simple things in nature have a message you understand,

Rejoice, for your soul is alive."

Eleanora Duse

I am alive.

coming down

trout lily

i am waiting, still, for the spark to return. i am used to a project, a cause, a lurch toward something. But all things within and without remain quiet.

there are so many layers to this coming down and coming down from pointed focus and casualty.

i carry on.

i am seen.

but i am not the same and i have yet to discover all the ways in which that is true.

i do find i am able to see my habits and defenses more clearly in all this quiet. my tactics for self-preservation make me laugh and wince.

in this ongoing beginning disguised as an end, i am coming to know myself better. in that knowing, more choices present themselves. even if i feel smaller than ever before, a promise of great renewal has infused itself in the layers of coming down.

in the soft light of spring, the only important question is how well do i mother myself.