a world made new

 

          succulents, roses, hypericum bouquet

There will be change.
You will cease to know your carefully laid-out world once the diagnosis comes.
You will fall to your knees in its wake.

The change will be painful and you will suck air through your teeth
over and over again.
You and she and they will not be the same.
You will feel shocked and clobbered by the
shifting and robbing of customs and personalities.
Your heart will break a fragment at a time, all along the irrevocable journey.

You will mourn the loss of all the small things
~the things and ways of blind comfort~
as one by one they become pronounced by their lack. 

There will be change and some of it will be glorious.
Yes, glorious.
Because when the diagnosis comes, walls and barriers extinguish.
Words and gestures tumble forth and strength beyond reason is revealed.
The truth of each soul affected is laid out before them
 and choices half-stalled are set loose.

In the words and the strength and the setting loose,
whether the diagnosis is overcome or not,
a great healing arrives;
a healing that finds its way to you and she and they
to lift the wings of your souls and carry you forward,
broken and whole,
into the ways of a world made new.

{originally published in my autumn soul in bloom magazine last year.}

and then there was grace

parkside candies, buffalo, ny

it came unexpectedly, the state called grace, showing up in my presence as she toddled into the kitchen; skirt, cane, full make up, smile. she had rallied for our possible date to the zoo. one last chance to see her beloved giraffes. she knows the end is near, but it would not be this day. this day there were memories to be made.

like magic, like grace, the 3 giraffes clustered into the back corner of their domain seemingly to look just at us. the yellow and black bird waiting for us as we wheeled off the lift in the rainforest. the lion that roared and despite the crowd, looked solely in our direction.

then lunch, because she is still interested in eating, at the deliciously-trapped-in-time candy store. she bought forty fours dollars worth of chocolate to take home, with glee like i have never seen. we took pictures of her and me in the half round booth, just a bit fuzzy, but treasures for my heart.

we walked slowly, hand in hand, to the lot in the back. half way there she sang, unexpectedly, one single sentence to me~ "all is well with my soul."

and there it was again, grace unlooked for and grace received. a day to never forget and the knowing that all will be well with our souls.

the profusion of birds

I have been counting the swallowtail butterflies. There are more than I ever remember. 3 days ago there were 3, and on that same day there were 9 turkey vultures hovering over the Canadian border as I waited my turn at the tolls. 3 for joy, 9 for endings.

The first-ever flicker at my bird bath, the cardinal, close by and beginning his molt, singing for all he was worth. The profusion of mourning doves. The singular bat.

I sat in the back, in the hot wind last evening. There were no birds, no bat. Only the winds of change blowing over me, long past dark.

She is leaving.

She is leaving me.


There is the mess of my heart splitting open as we walk to the border holding hands, waiting on the profusion of birds that signal final flight.

the dragonfly view

on the way

almost there

 

there

 in

in these days of other mothers dying and the ache from too much work, there is the lake, little and spring fed. there is the family who shares the good fortune with open invitation and the reluctant bathing suit, avoided for decades, finally bought (all of 5 minutes spent picking it out, because at this age who cares anyway). 

and the noodles. pink and green from dollar general. 

it took substantial time to get in. this is not my element, swimming. 

but noodling, oh noodling (!), with dearest family paddling along, the lake to be crossed, then shores to be trolled, dragonfly view with lips submerged, kicking, kicking, unhurried, wet, soothed, paradise found.

at last, paradise found.

as above, so below

Stars & Stripes Forever

THIS is Mayberry in holiday mode.

The kiddy coaster, the fried dough and

the "I Got It" caller announcing ball 7

all to the tune of one of my favorite songs

 played by the ever-enthusiastic

 Mayberry Community Band.

Happy Birthday, America!

the potted garden

in the early mornings, in the potted garden

 with tea under a crisp cerulean sky,

there are no disagreements, no sides taken,

 no poverty, no lack of soul.

there are wrens singing the live-long day,

 orioles ushering babies from limb to limb,

robins stealing raspberries off the vine.

and the monarch,

 imbibing and dancing on clover

for 12 undistracted minutes.

let the ugly world spin on its own

 in a parallel universe.

let this world,

 this world of color and song and peace,

be what fills me and calls my regard.

in the wake of her energy again

Because of the perfect cocktail of pain-relieving drugs, the kitchen and the garden are once again her domain. There have been 2 weeks of reprieve for her (as well as for me) and I marvel at how quickly she reclaimed her domains, her pleasurable expressions of self.

I sat in her kitchen the other day, watching her measure and slice and stir, just as I have done my whole life. Her contentment and ease lie in the preparing of savory and sweet, while mine lies in close proximity and watchfulness. I did not know, could not have guessed, I would have the privilege of sitting in the wake of her energy again.

I thought as I watched, I should ask her how to do this and that~ here's my waning chance to capture her culinary knowledge. There are so many questions and tricks of the trade. Yet, I did not ask. I just wanted to be her child a moment or two longer, in this unexpected reprieve and live in the comforting world of her kitchen and her beautiful wake.

a simple and meaningful life

There is contemplation, a need for silence and a somewhat steady flow of life evaluation. Not the evaluation that dips deep into past traumas and events~ I've already done that and may do it some more~but now, in the soft summer of little deaths and quiet beginnings, it is rather a realization of choices and the puzzle-picture they have shaped over the span of not yet 48 years.

I am seeing in a more refined way, internally and externally. Both ways of seeing have stilled ambition. I know not if the ambition will return. What is rising and welling is the secret inner life that lay wounded and wanting under the pressure, the minute-by-minute pressure of the dictates of society, employment, family, America, and the psycho-savvy media. Like an aging circus performer, I have little will left to walk the impossible rope. It is all too much and the tears are too much and the secret inner life has not wanted any of it anyway, all along.

If I evaluate my choices or simply skim the timeline of my life, a theme and a truth rise like vapors over the unruly sea of not yet 48 years~    I like who I am. I have resisted the jamming of my round peg into that uniformly square hole becasue I enjoy my own company and find sustenance in the web of my own thoughts that know unequivocally I am made of the same fluid and light as the orioles, the maples, the starfish.

I have resisted the dictates at great expense and I have come to love that expense, for in exchange I like who I am, more.

I have sought all along a simple, yet meaningful life. I have sought all along to help ease the suffering of others and I know now that need not happen at the expense of myself. I know now that the red sea of societal chaos and forced sublimation can be parted by the secret inner self having risen to the surface, declaring love. On that dry sea bed, free of chaos and dictates, I walk forward, uninhibited, with this truth~ that the only approval necessary to live a simple and meaningful life is my own.

Wedding Flowers of June

blue dendrobium orchid,

purple calla lily,

ivory rose and foliage

teardrop bridal bouquet

blue dendrobium orchid,

white and ivory rose

bridesmaid bouquet

white stock, peach and coral roses,

coral spray roses with israeli ruscus

bridal bouquet

white stock, peach, coral and white roses,

with israeli ruscus bridesmaid bouquet

pink peonies, white alstromeria, white stock and roses

with lemon leaves bridal bouquet

purple stock, pink and white roses, pink peonies

with lemon leaves bridesmaids' bouquets

medium white calla lilies

with isreali ruscus bridal bouquet

...a little sampling of a very busy month.

52 Photos Project~summertime colors

lupine at the lake

~For Bella~

Hawk Creek Wildlife Sanctuary

great horned owl

 

gyrfalcon

 barred owl

barn owl

baby barn owl

alfalfa the dancing porcupine~ self choreographed
"who cares about the lazy foxes, he says,
 i'm the real entertainer"...

Hawk Creek Wildlife Sanctuary
3 legged otter, serval, lynx, bobcat,ocelot, fox,
 golden eagles, parrots, bouncing hornbill, condor
owls, vultures, hawks, falcons, snakes, et all.
Eat Aurora, New York

At last and unexpectedly

From January 20th, 2012~

"I'm waiting for my owl. I see owls everywhere; on place mats, greeting cards, sleepwear, statues. But in this rare season of irruption from the arctic fringes, I am waiting for the real thing. I am waiting for the snowy owl.

I drive by farms and fields, head swiveling side to side ( a likely danger on the roads), scanning the rooftops and telephone poles for a burst of white feathers. As yet, I have no glimpse of the prize. And I may not be graced with a sighting before the weather turns and the owls head back to the tundra.

I will wait and I will keep my heart open with expectant gratitude, for the snowy owl already lives inside me. As an omen, he is only good. He is the call for patience and waiting for beneficial things to come into view. He is not about wasting energy, but about carefully preparing the self, inside and out, for taking advantage of opportunity the moment it arrives. In the light and in the dark. 

Timing is everything, says the owl, as is well-honed skill. There is no need for intimidation or wasteful nervous bluster. Go about your business, but pay attention. Your time will most definitely arrive. When it comes, act. Act from strength and the courage of having quietly developed your offerings. Let your inner wisdom come forth and shift your life. Be who you must be."

 

 

*****************************

 

 

At last and unexpectedly, he arrived; the snowy owl on the cusp of summer. 6 months after I called to him, and almost, almost overlooked. But, just as his medicine implies, when the time is right, when we are internally ready, what we conjure alights in our lives~ usually in a form we did not expect.

He is the quietest member of a wildlife refuge, garnering no attention until the crowds moved on towards the end of the day. Suddenly, there he was sitting in repose on the floor of his enclosure, announcing to me his wisdom~ stay quiet and alert. Let the crowds pass by. What you seek will reveal itself in the silence of happy moments. Stay alert. 

 

 

When you are ready, wishes come true.

 If it hasn't come true, you are not ready.

unannounced and potent

northern oriole

{straight out of the camera/true colors}

yesterday, there were 6. 5 living, 1 not. 2 grace my backyard~ singing from prominent perches, dipping their beaks in the jelly jar, sparking sunshine off liquid feathers as the day's rays descend. they are everywhere for me this spring, like never before.

they are the promise that balance is always present, if we have but eyes and heart to see. they are solace and reward for the daily task of letting go. i am in tune with their oriole gifts of sunshine and relation, most eagerly the relation of the secret-side of self.

it is the large thrills that are unsustainable and leave me depleted in their wake. it is the small ones, those little thrills that come to me over and over, unannounced and potent, that sustain me through the nights.

Search Inside Yourself

my new meditation corner and new book

practice guides

lots of red underlining

the elusive buddha joins the meditation

These are days that have me thinking of relationships and life purpose and compassion. Surprisingly, and not, a book arrived in the mail that speaks to all of those considerations and more. Written by a Google engineer who found his life's goal in the pursuit of making the benefits of meditation accessible to humanity, the book is filled to brimming with insight and practical steps to increase inner happiness. And thereby effect world peace.

In attempting to highlight the important passages in the book worth remembering, I find my red pen is practically running out of ink. Inside the pages are huge "aha!" moments which all rest on the foundation of mindful meditation. From page 230~ "Meditation, at its simplest, is the training of attention. With enough meditative training...3 wonderful qualities of mind naturally emerge: calmness, clarity and happiness. Inner happiness is contagious."

Luckily, Chade-Meng Tan uses simple, practical guides to teach us how to meditate easily and peppers the practical with goof-ball humor. He teaches us to improve our relationships, both personal and business, through mindful listening, conversation and attention. He helps align us with self-awareness, self-confidence and empathy using science of the brain and ancient wisdom. He grew his inspiration of training and developing the mind to create happiness and compassion into a full blown course taught at Google University. His book now shares the Google course with the world.

Some of my favorite red underlined insights from Search Inside Yourself include:

• Just giving each other the gift of total attention for 6 minutes is enough to create a friendship.
• The only highly sustainable source of self-confidence comes from deep self-knowledge and blatant self-honesty.
• Optimism is something that can learned. It starts with being realistic and objective.
• Compassion is the cause for the highest level of happiness ever measured, and it's a necessary condition for the most effective form of leadership known.
• Compassion requires engagement in real life with real people. 
• Meditation practices cannot be perfected outside real life.
• Our brains respond far more strongly to negative experiences than comparable positive ones.
• For a marriage to succeed, there must be at least 5 times as many positive interactions in the relationship as negative ones. 5:1 ratio.
• A 3:1 ratio is unreasonable.
• It's not the stress itself that gets to you; it's the feeling of helplessness in the face of that stress.
• Goodness is very inspiring, and it inspires in a way that changes people.

So, I've created a dedicated mediation corner in my home to help me achieve my definition of success and sustainable happiness. In that corner you will find candles, a blanket and books. Chade-Meng Tan's  Google-course-turned book, sits at the top of the pile.


Thank you, TLC Book Tours, for recommending this book to me!

Rainbow Soup

Because a mostly tear-filled weekend ended with a double rainbow, on the heels of a full moon/eclipse that promised to usher in a change of ways and being, I left my home early today, grocery list in hand. I returned with chicken, brown rice and vegetables (and bay leaves, because not surprisingly, upon inspection the jar in my cupboard had expired 11 years ago). I donned my favorite vintage apron, the one with the blue cat on the singular pocket, and I began channeling my not-so-long-deceased Grandmother. Together we made soup for my Mother.

Shockingly, it was delicious.

Let the culinary games begin.

{THIS is what it's all about.}

tears in the broth

these are helpless days where  i search for inner strength and wish i had a worthy way with food like the other women in my family. i wish i didn't have such a demanding job. there are more important things to be doing.


like feeding her well and chasing away her anxieties and fears.

like getting rid of the clutter and carving out space for peace.

like letting go of the things, the things that simply don't matter and why have i thought for so long they do?


in these helpless days, I scour cookbooks to find something, anything that will build immunity and soothe, all the while plagued with the realization the task may be fruitless, and lament my life-long lack of interest in the culinary arts.  but, still, in the 11th hour, which i hope is only the 9th, no, the 7th if i am honest, i will try.

chicken soup for the soul. hers and mine. tears in the broth. and prayers.

Be Your Own Reprieve

Lotus Bay, the NY shores of Lake Erie

It has been a time of too much. Too much work, too many demands, too many emotions to process. I have turned inward and found my reprieve.

I am good food and early to bed. I am diligent nature journal and early to rise. I am seated on the floor with tarot and tea. I am cat adoration and silence. I am new-found love of water. Ideas and inspirations and I-wonder-ifs abound. There are treasures too numerous to name when duty is done and the world is decidedly held at bay.

It is such a beautiful world when news and broken things are ignored. There are secret coves of goodness lapping at our shores, calling us to wade~ ankle-deep or full-body plunge~ into their healing waters. Turn inward, I tell you. Every now and then. Decide you've had enough and make it so.

Shun the forecast, the propaganda, the orchestrated chaos bent on mass control. Get your ankles wet. Dive headlong into the pleasure of what calls you deeply. Swim in the cove that bears your true name, where time is enriched and stands perfectly still. Refresh yourself, body and soul, with the activities and style of rest that heals you.

Find a way to balance the chaos. Be your own reprieve.

52 Photos Project~pink

All the stylin' gals wear pink.

For Bella

spring in the unmanicured yard

the afterbirth left at my door

the profusion of soft, butter-yellow

the mystery twig of 3 years

 that finally revealed its identity.

Be softly reborn.

 

Reveal your inner beauty,

right where you are. 

Your time has arrived.