Blessed Trinity Roman Catholic Church, at 323 Leroy St. in Buffalo, New York, is a hidden architectural jewel. It is tucked away in a crumbling neighborhood, unknown to many, if not most of the local residents. Yet, it is one of the most complete and true examples of 12th century Lombard Romanesque-style architecture existing in the United States. It is unabashedly gorgeous.

Built between 1923 and 1928 for a cost of $513,000, the structure would be almost impossible to reconstruct today. It features handmade bricks created and set in 12th century fashion. It is laden with ceramics for structural and decorative purposes. It has more than 2000 handmade symbols and pictures of medieval Christian iconography embellishing the inside and outside of the building. The symbols represent nature, science, morals and history. It has a painted dome that peaks at 73' from the floor, with a 40' diameter. It has 615 small projections, or corbels, along the top of the walls of the structure. And it has a stained glass skylight over the altar made up of 20,000 pieces of glass, in 300 different shades of color.

For a knock and polite smile, Dorothy the devoted church member and part-time cleaning lady will let you in and turn on the lights. She will invite you to part with a mere 5 dollars to own the picture-laden booklet decsribing every blessed detail of Blessed Trinity. It will be the most informative 5 dollars you will ever spend. Don't even think of leaving your camera at home.

Buffalo Is Beautiful~ The Preface

On a national weather forecast at the end of July, the presiding weatherman felt compelled to announce that surprisingly, there was no snow in the forecast for Buffalo, New York. His pasty cheeks then spread into a wide grin. For someone living no where near Buffalo, his eyeball-rolling remark was typical.

That weatherman, much like the rest of America, has very little idea what Buffalo has to offer. Most people, like Mr. Pasty Cheeks, think Buffalo is nothing more than a rusting, former steel town buried in snow 11 months out of the year. It's actually only 10 months. No, wait. That would be the dream of all local ski resorts. Okay, so it's really ripe for snow 5 months of the year. But Buffalo and its surrounding towns have the best snow-removal equipment and capabilities of any area in the country. Buffalo can dig itself out of any snowfall in world-record time. And unlike hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes and floods, snowstorms rarely kill or lay waste to property.

What America doesn't know is that Buffalo is beautiful. The architecture alone is jaw-dropping. The city ranks 9th in America for support of the arts and theater. Not bad for a city of 280,000 and surrounding area total of 1.1 million. Buffalo is a food-lovers haven, a sports haven, a music haven. Buffalo is lush with trees, lush with parks and lush with rare waterfowl along the speedy Niagara River. Perched on the eastern shore of Lake Erie, Buffalo is also lush with the gold of the future~ fresh water.

The best kept secret about Buffalo, aptly named "The City of Good Neighbors", is the people. No where in America will you find more down-to-earth residents. No where in America will you find more people willing to tell it like it is. There is less pretention in Buffalo. There is less ego in Buffalo. There is more friendliness in Buffalo.

The down-side of less pretension and less ego is a subtle, collective lack of self-esteem. The people of Buffalo are humble to a fault. They are largely unaware of the treasures they live amongst in their area because they are largely unaware of the treasures they live with in themselves. There is a low-grade, collective energy that pervades the people of the region. That energy projects, "we're not quite good enough". It is the mist that shrouds this Avalon of the Northeast.

Thankfully, the energy is shifting. It is shifting from the self-deprecating to the self-appreciating. The people of Buffalo are waking up to the beauty in their area and the beauty in themselves. Eventually, the positive momentum will lift the shroud on this cultural Mecca and the world will no longer be snowblind about Buffalo.

Yellow Mums

My friend, Lynn, works in the floral department of an upscale grocery store. Yesterday, she noticed a young man standing in front of her large display of yellow mums. He didn't ask any questions, he just continued looking a the mums.

Eventually, Lynn asked if she could help him. He responded by asking if the flowers he was looking at were mums. Yes, said Lynn. The young man asked if they came in other colors. Lynn explained that they do come in many other other colors, but today, all they had was yellow mums. She mentioned the smaller mum plants in the back of the department and told him they also come in other colors, but again, all they had currently was yellow.

The young man then told Lynn his mother had died a couple days ago. He explained that before she died, his mother had told him when he sees yellow mums it was to be a message from her that she was happy, no longer in pain and in a better place.

The Gate~ Chapter 4

My mission to open the gate of my heart continues. It requires commitment on many levels. It requires more self discipline than I sometimes care to invoke. It requires focus and patience and unclenching of stomach muscles. It requires acute awareness of thoughts rampaging freely through my brain. It requires the practice of self respect and the practice of setting healthy boundaries. It requires staying focused in the present moment.

This heart-opening business is sometimes daunting. To aid myself in my mission, I have committed to practicing Yoga three mornings each week. Yoga is said to open the energy centers of the body, massage the internal organs, increase flexibility and calm the mind. I don't know what kind of Yoga I practice. I've created my own medley of moves and held positions based on the 2 brief adult education classes I've taken. But whatever I'm doing is exhibiting results.

While laying on the floor holding a spinal twist position, I had a burst of compassion well up in me regarding a loved one. A full and total understanding of the childhood traumas that shaped her adult behavior. The carpet was wet from the pull of gravity on my flooding tears.

While standing in the warrior pose, I gleaned another piece of a past life. The one where I took refuge in a European monastery and was saved by the beauty of the architecture and the songs and the healing calmness of its residents. The one that explains my present life magnetism to sacred architecture, chant and the Abbey of the Genesee, 50 minutes east in Piffard, New York.

While holding a position of the sun salutation, I lifted my head and looked out my living room window. The same window I looked out of every day previous. Suddenly, I saw it. Straight ahead. Highlighted. In full view at the end of my curving street.

I saw the Gate.

I felt tingles run the length of my body. Tingles that confirmed my mission was truly unfolding. Tingles that confirmed my instincts about how to help myself are working. Tingles that confirmed Yoga is for me, a gate to the heart, a gate to the mind, and a gate to the Divine.

Dreaming of Alaska

We're having a heatwave in Buffalo. Not being a fan of tropical weather, I'm currently dreaming of Alaska.

My dreams of Alaska are realistic. 18 years ago, I drove there. From Buffalo. In a little, 4-door, silver Nissan that belonged to my highschool girlfriend, Lauren. Lauren was living and going to graduate school in Anchorage. She was commiting to staying in America's last frontier and needed the car she left in Buffalo to join her. I volunteered to reunite them. I took along the younger sister of a friend and together we covered the 4,392 miles between Buffalo and Anchorage in 9 days.

It was the drive of a lifetime. The Alaska Highway, as it wound through British Columbia, was scenic, quirky and endearing. The Alaska Highway, rolling through the Yukon Territory, left me speechless. The scenery coming continually towards me through the windshield was so intense, so pristine, so shatteringly gorgeous, I had to periodically close my eyes. To allow my brain to keep taking in the heightened beauty it had never before experienced.

I spent 2 weeks with Lauren traveling the lower portions of Alaska. Being twice the size of Texas, there's alot to see. We visited Denali Park and drove hairpin, gravel-studded curves to catch a full view of the rarely visible Mt. McKinley. We drove down to the coast and visited my favorite town, Homer. We stayed up all night in Homer, hanging at the Blue Dolphin Saloon, talking with Halibut fishermen. In our quest to visit the island home of the infamous Kodiak brown bear, we endured two, 10 hour, Dramamine-popping rides huddled in sleeping bags on the frigid top deck of the Alaska Ferry. We saw no brown bears on Kodiak Island, but we stayed on a World War 2 ship-turned-cannery, learned about the processing of seafood as it comes right from the sea, and ate the best tasting fish on planet earth.

In Alaska, the people are genuine and more true to themselves. In Alaska, the word freedom is not just a word, it is a palpable energy. In Alaska, 18 years ago, I was forever imprinted with the understanding of the sacred virtues of Nature. I was imprinted with the craving for adventure. And I was imprinted with the knowing that my ultimate goal in this life, the last frontier of my existence, is to be true to myself.

The Elephant Chronicles

I have always been attracted to elephants. In kindergarten, my self-declared best accomplishment was a crayon drawing of an elephant. I used the anatomically correct grey crayon. Twenty years ago, I wrote an impassioned letter to the editor of the Buffalo News about the need to stop the slaughter of African elephants for ivory. Three years ago, I employed creativity as part of a needful healing process and drew my second elephant. This time, I used red and purple colored pencils. The pachyderm, symbol of caring, emotions, societal ideals and personal strength, has proven to be a life-long totem.

Last night, I came upon a National Geographic Channel program on elephants that are attacking people. 500 people a year are dying from sudden, unexpected elephant rampages. Largely occurring in the Far East, the rampages are even occurring in American zoos and circuses. The most distressing scenes involved a female circus elephant crushing 2 handlers to death in front of the paying audience. The elephant, wearing red tassels, leg cuffs and head plate, was then seen charging into the street. 100 rounds of ammunition were pumped into the tasseled elephant before she died on the pavement between parked cars. By this time into the program I was sobbing.

In the Far East, young male elephants in rut are the ones causing the most mayhem and death. Herds of females with their young are causing damage to crops and even, on occasion, destroying small villages in search of missing calves. All of this was puzzling and painful to watch. Until the program started to offer explanations.

What is happening across the planet, with regard to elephant attacks, is the result of years of accumulated human assault on this species. Destruction of elephant habitat has caused a battle between farmers and herds. The herds are losing. Poaching and culling (systematic thinning of adult populations with firearms) have created vast numbers of orphaned elephants. Most orphaned elephants are witness to the slaughter of their parent. Most orphaned elephants are subjected to war-zone trauma.

Elephants are so much like humans. All young elephants need the adults to teach them how to be elephants. All young elephants learn more by experiencing, than by instinct. They live in tight, social, supportive family networks. They experience post-traumatic stress disorder. They have breaking points.

It appears to be the elephant orphans that are on the attack. It appears the human disregard and disrespect for the needs and value of this species has caused a dire imbalance in the natural Order of Elephant. Dangerous, young males in rut would naturally be quelled and subdued by older bull elephants in the bachelor herds. But there aren't enough older bulls left standing. All the captive elephants that have attacked their handlers were orphaned and captured in the wild. Their 12 pound brains do not forget injuries. Elephants, like humans, are known to seek revenge if the opportunity arises.

After the program ended, I had to mop my face. I felt helpless knowing my totem animal is careening out of balance, rocketing towards extinction in a matter of decades. I felt helpless knowing I am but one person, living far from elephants. I felt helpless not knowing how to make a difference.

And the most overwhelming, helpless thing is this: it's not just elephants that are in danger on this planet. It's not just elephants that are losing ground every day to the exploits, the gluttony and the arrogance of humanity. It's whales, polar bears, baby seals, frogs, wild horses and the entire rainforest eco-system. The list could go on for 3 more pages.

I don't like feeling helpless. It's counter-productive. I sat in silence until the helplessness was washed away by soft-spoken answers filtering into my brain. Step 1: resolve to pray for the highest possible good of the entire elephant species. Pray every day. Step 2: resolve to pray for the highest possible good of the humans in position to actively reverse the damage inflicted on wild and captive elephants. Pray every day. Step 3: investigate elephant conservation organizations and find out ways I can contribute. Step 4: take responsibility for my part in consuming less and easing the strain on natural resources. Step 5: share what I'm learning about the plight of elephants.

One person's positive energy makes a difference. It makes a difference in any cause in which it is focused. And when singular, positive energies are joined by other singular, positive energies, on the physical or mental planes, the Red Sea will part and lives will be saved. Species will be saved. And the planet we call home, will be saved.

Pot of Gold

Every one has access to a pot of gold. That access, however, may appear to elude us for years, decades or an entire lifetime. We may search and strive and suffer to find our pot of gold. We may chase rainbows. We may hunt Leprechauns. We may give up entirely, believing the pot is only there for a chosen few to find. But the pot of gold remains, shining and overflowing and accessible to any who know where to look.

The all-access key to the pot of gold can be found in the chambers of the heart. Every heart. Yours, mine, and the guy down the street. Within the chambers lies the vital, yet often dormant talent that God encoded there. A talent no one else in the world will possess. A talent no one else in the world will be able to imitate. A talent uniquely our own, waiting and hoping to see the grand light of day.

Wealth, fulfillment or the pot of gold is really a consequence, a natural outpouring of using the God-given talent within us. Often, we have many talents. How do we know which one is the true access point to the pot of gold? Our hearts would answer: It is the talent that most serves humanity. It is the talent and interest we can sustain day after day, year after year. The talent we would choose to express if we never got paid a dime to use it. The talent that brings us the most inner joy.

Access to our own pot of gold is therefore a choice. A choice to discover or cover, use or deny the singular talent, the singular expression of God found within the chambers of our hearts.

Celebrate

Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of the arrival of my German interpreter, aka my mother, in America. At 17, she fully committed herself to being in America, despite a difficult transition. She learned the language and chose to become a citizen.

After 50 years, my mother is decidedly American. Though, along with her accent, her German heritage is still evident by the number of occasions that must be celebrated. In Germany, if you build a shed in your backyard, the finished shed must be celebrated. A party must ensue. Food and beverage must flow. So a 50th anniversary of anything is at the tippy-top of a long list of excuses for celebration.

Last evening, my mother received red roses with spangled ribbons and dinner out for steak. Next month, when the 50th anniversary broadens to include my twin Uncles and Grandmother, aka my Oma, the celebration will go from modest to loud and proud. Friends and relatives will be invited from all points on the compass. 50 years of love and gratitude for America will be joyfully expressed in food, wine, stories and song.

I love this cultural quirk. This finding of any excuse to gather and glory. This inner need to celebrate. Because the world needs a balancer and a balm for all the misery and mayhem that parades across the nightly news. The world needs a joyful party. The world needs every birth and graduation and recovery and shed to be celebrated. And it is up to each individual, each family group, each collection of kindred souls to add to and keep the party going. Until the swelling of love and good will and food for all becomes the only parade on the nightly news.


{ My mother and me on the observation tower of St. Michael's church in Hamburg, Germany. Celebrating a windy and wonderful day.}

Do What You Can

Stop waiting for your train to arrive. Stop waiting for your courage to arrive. Stop waiting. Stop waiting. Stop waiting. If there is a dream you harbor for yourself, a fantasy you wish to fulfill, a goal you long to achieve, follow the advice of Teddy Roosevelt and do what you can, with what you have, right where you are. Stop waiting for the perfect circumstance, the right amount of money or a break in your schedule. None of these will come. They will all elude you until you take your dream in hand and start something. Anything. Take the smallest part of your dream for yourself and just do it.

If you dream of being a pastry chef, start baking. If you dream of being an author, start writing. If you dream of rescuing animals, rescue one. If you dream of saving the world, save yourself. It doesn't matter if you start small, even miniscule, compared to what you hope to achieve. What matters is the starting.

The Universe responds to the intention and the energy you send out when you take action on behalf of your dream. The response at first will be small. Keep baking. The response will grow in proportion to the energy you invest. Keep writing. Keep rescuing. Keep saving.

Momentum will build. Courage will build. Connections will build.

Keep your energy and your intention focused on your dream and what you have, right where you are will be enough. It will be enough for your dream-train to arrive in perfect time.

Service

I live next to a sub-station for the all-volunteer Akron Fire Department. The station houses vintage Engine #1 from 1951 and Ladder #6. Engine #1 has been retired to the parade circuit. Ladder #6 is current and functional.

Depending on the tone of the fire alarm rung in the center of town, Ladder #6 sits idle or zooms out of the station. The rumble of the diesel engine vibrates against my windows. The swirling red lights dance down my walls. Because Ladder #6 lives on a residential street, the siren is silent until it is well on its way. At 3:17am, this is appreciated.

Every time cars screech into the parking lot, firemen fly out of their vehicles, and the engine of Ladder #6 is fired up, I rush to my window. I want to witness this call to service, this choice to shift gears on a dime, this selfless act of extending care and protection to strangers. I rush to my window to say a prayer aloud for the safety of the men who sacrifice and serve.

Because volunteer firemen are the first band of brothers. Volunteer firemen are mercy and goodness and love set in motion. They are the unsung heroes of everday living. They are the prototype of the balanced male channeling energy for the betterment of humanity. They are the reminders to live a less selfish life.

Providence

I've made decisions. I've taken action. I've focused my energy. I've knelt, I've laughed, I've stilled my mind. I've taken small risks. I've tried new things. I've whispered sweet nothings in my own ear. All in support of opening my heart and opening my life. Suddenly, Providence has moved.

The Powers That Be feel as if they are supportng me more because I am supporting myself. In our energy-filled Universe, where like vibrates with like, the decision to more lovingly support myself has caused the manifestation of more goodness in my life. The opportunity for that goodness is always there, right in front of me. But only when I eat, sleep and breathe loving kindnes towards myself can I see the opportunities. Can I embrace the opportunities. Can I live the opportunities.

My goodness has come in many and varied forms of late. One highlight was a short-notice opportunity to hear Matthew Fox, the world-reknowned spiritual rabble-rouser, give an impassioned talk at a Buffalo church. Matthew spoke about the need to invoke more social justice, compassion and love in our religious lives. He spoke about the need to turn our focus off the shameful discrimination of homosexuals, a full 10% of any population, and channel that energy towards saving Nature before we completley destroy it. He spoke about the need to honor the feminine as fully equal to the masculine. He spoke about the need to channel the male, warrior energy away from creating war and destruction and towards saving the environment and defending the family. To my utter delight, Matthew even spoke about embracing the archetypical feminine energy represented by Mary Magdalene.

A second highlight was the glorious opportunity to attend Summer Floral Camp. A 2-day retreat for floral designers. Led by Peter, the infamous Dutch floral designer, our small group was instructed on the newest, most sought-after looks in the world of cut flowers. Lectures and laughter and hands-on design opportunities made for a fruitful experience. Much to my amazement, we each took home the arrangements we created. My home is now laden with 114 flowers (I counted) in varied vases and containers. Each arrangement feels like a trophy to my success for increasing my kindness towards myself. 114 gates to my heart.

It feels good to quell the inner critic. It feels good to be more respectful of my boundaries. To say "yes" to myself more often. To accept the skin that I'm in. It feels good and right and delightfully heady to have Providence back on my side.

Mary Magdalene

The Feast of Mary Magdalene is held every year on July 22nd. It is celebrated most enthusiastically in parts of Spain, Southern France and Italy. The feasting began in the 8th century. Twelve hundred years ago. It continues today. However, in the 21st century, the Feast of Mary Magdalene is becoming a much bigger banquet.

Mary Magdalene is now a movement and a social phenomenon. She gained momentum in the 20th century when the Nag Hammadi Library, a trove of Gnostic texts, was discovered in Egypt in 1945. The texts were written in Coptic language. The translation was stalled until 1977 when James Robinson published a startling English translation. In the texts were numerous gospels, one named "The Gospel of Mary". The only gospel ever found to be named for a woman. In it, Mary Magdalene appears to be revealed as the primary Apostle. The person most favored by Christ.

In 1982, the spotlight shown again on Mary with the publication of the book
Holy Blood, Holy Grail. The book's authors, Baigent, Lincoln and Leigh, proposed that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married. That they conceived a child. That Mary traveled to Gaul while pregnant. That her womb was and is the Holy Grail.

In 2003, Dan Brown wrote the explosive and controversial novel, The Da Vinci Code. About the revelation and protection of the bloodline of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. As of this year, 30 million people world wide have read it. More have seen the movie. Mary Magdalene is now a global force.

Although Mary's status as the Biblical whore was retracted by the Christian powers that be in the late 1960's, to many religious-minded people, she will forever be the prostitute. The whore. The woman in need of repenting. The symbol, along with Eve, of the "inherent" inferior nature of the feminine.

To those who have opened their hearts and minds to the possibility of Mary Magdalene being much more than the patriarchal church has revealed, there are two main factions. One faction honors Mary Magdalene as the primary Apostle. The other honors her as the Holy Grail. Undoubtedly, there are countless variations that lie between the two. Just as it should be. Because no one theory or belief in the worlds of religion and spirituality is resonant with every heart.

If there wasn't something crucial needed in today's world, the archetype of Mary Magdalene would not be so newsworthy. She would still be cast in shadows. She would still be bare-breasted, kneeling, repentant and submissive.

In 2006, she is not.

In 2006, Mary Magdalene has burst to the surface. She is wearing royal robes. She is holding her head up. She is smiling. She is crowned.

Mary Magdalene is opening hearts and opening dialogue. Her energy is needed as the balancing of humanity and planet earth shifts into 4th gear. She is the energy and the archetype of the feminine standing side-by-side with the masculine. She is the energy of equality. She is the weakened yin force resurrected and renewed, ready to balance the overly yang force still dominating the planet. She is the herald of the return to honoring the feminine. She is the herald of the return to love.



{The Mary Magdalene wood carving pictured above resides in a small, Protestant church called "The Church by the Sea" in Schobull, Germany. She is carved in a line with the 12 male Apostles. The artist carved her at the head of the line.}

Healing

To be healed is to agree to be healed. There is no cure for our ills unless we accept and trust and participate in our own healing. There is no cure unless we follow our instincts. To the letter. Because we know and our bodies know what we need to be healed. Of everything.

The direction and prescription to cure our personal imbalances lie within the stillness of our minds and the openness of our hearts. Stilling the mind requires us to breathe deeply and consistently until the fears that run wild through our waking moments slow to a crawl. Opening our hearts requires us to spread wide our arms, thrust forward our breast bones and tilt chins to the sky. In the presence of a still mind and an open heart, instincts are revealed. Answers are revealed. Miracles are set in motion.

While still and open, whispers can be heard urging us to take action on our own behalf. Urging us to allow ourselves to be healed. "Call a doctor. Call a friend. Stop drinking. Forgive your father. Get acupuncture. Say no. Take vitamins. Research options. Walk away. Accept touch. Eat less. Stop lying. Cry."

Our instincts may lead us away from convention or they may lead us directly to it. Whatever the stilled and opened impulse is, we must follow it. Trust it. Act on it. Accept it. Consistently and with patience. We must agree to give our whole selves over to the process of healing. We must know that we know what to do for ourselves. We must agree the cure for everything lies within.

Orange

Orange is the color of joy. It is also the color of relationships, sex, play and creativity. It is associated with the 2nd chakra, or energy system, of the body. Located just below the navel.

Orange is the color to choose when feeling depressed, creatively blocked, or at odds with relations. It is the color to choose when life gets too serious. It is the color to choose when fear of change gets in the way.

Wear it. Eat it. Drink it. Hold it.

Orange is said to be an appetite stimulant, an aid to digestion and a boost to the immune system. Kitchens and dining rooms promote a healthy relationship with food when painted in shades of orange.

The vibrational energy of the color orange helps to release emotions and improve self-esteem. It renews a healthy interest in life. It renews a healthy interest in sex. Buy a popsicle-orange g-string and see what comes up.

The Bridge~ Chapter 2

I've been converted. I'm now one of those women who may just launch herself across a room when a baby enters it. At least I'll launch for little Miss Eleanor.

I had the deep, good fortune this past weekend to have a 2nd bridge-building session with my cousin's daughter, Eleanor, the 9 week old master architect. Eleanor is teaching me to build a bridge between my heart and my mind. A bridge that allows more love and goodness to flow into my life. Eleanor, in ca-hoots with angels and faeries and God Itself, has made it her early mission in life to burst open the doors of my tentative heart. In this 2nd session, she used dynamite.

I am now smitten and gushing and addicted. Like the Grinch, I swear my heart grew so big holding Eleanor, I think it burst out of my blue shirt. It's shear genius on the part of the Universe to employ a seemingly innocent, non-threatening baby to open my heart and bridge it with my mind. Eleanor is a mere 12 pounds, but rest assured, when it comes to weapons of love, she and her kind are explosive.

Now that my heart is opening wider, I will be more capable of receiving. Receiving opportunities, receiving support, receiving love. I will see things more clearly. I will live a larger life.

My 3rd bridge-building session will be with a different architect. The lovely, little Eleanor is moving to Israel in 3 weeks. She and her parents are off on a 2 year, whirlwind diplomatic mission. I won't see her again for at least a year. By then, she'll be a completely different person. Thanks to her efforts, so will I.

Good Enough

I have very low blood pressure. Today, however, my blood pressure was so high, it was just below normal. After 4 1/2 hours of uninterrupted stress at work, I felt sick. The feeling lasted for the rest of the day. I came home, put on my "I need comfort now" navy blue t-shirt and crawled into bed.

The stress was due to the imagined idea that everyone's best effort at work was suddenly not good enough. The owners of the company were coming in from out of town, on 24 hours notice. Everything ran at a fevered pitch until they arrived. Everything had to be perfect. Everything had to be better than our best. As if our collective best was unacceptable.

How nit-picky. How unrealistic. How exhausting.

I didn't know what to make of this day. I didn't know what to do about my frustration, my pounding head, my wish to never repeat this level of stress. It was almost sunset before the light finally dawned.

I finally remembered that everything that happens outside of me is a mirror for what is happening inside of me. No exceptions. My relationship with myself, my personal view of the world, is forever reflected back to me on a moment to moment basis. I can never escape myself. If I am at peace with myself, I create and am involved with peace-filled moments, hours, days or weeks. If I am frustrated with myself or angry with myself, I will sure-as-shit attract people and circumstances that frustrate and anger me. I am my own bane and my own salvation.

Sometimes, to get the point across that I am being way unreasonable with myself, the Universe kindly steps in and magnifies my circumstances to the ridiculous. Like today. So I'll get the message loud and clear, and finally notice how nit-picky, unrealistic and exhausting I am being with myself. So I'll stop declaring that my best is not good enough. So I'll start accepting and loving and cherishing myself just the way I am.

The Pope Loves His Queen

Tonight Pope Innocent the 3rd is feeling nostalgic about our spring tour of Berlin and northern Germany. Maybe because the World Cup Final is this coming Sunday, in our beloved Berlin. Maybe because his favorite team, Team Italy, is in the finals. Maybe because the Pope's leaky heart is pining for the most beautiful woman in Berlin, his Queen Nefertiti. I suspect the leaky heart is the real reason we're looking at pictures of the Queen for the gajillionth time.

I must admit, the smile on his face, the moment he first met the Queen, warms my innards. The picture of him sleeping with the queen, even though they both demurely left their hats on, I'm not so sure of. I'm thinking a few Hail Mary's for that possible transgression couldn't hurt. The Pope, however, denies the need for absolution and maintains his innocence.

To keep the Pope from moping about the separation from his lady love, I've filling his summer social calendar. Highlights include a tour of Lily Dale, the world's largest Spiritualist community, where the Pope hopes to have his palm read to find out if his love-line is etched or faded. The Pope has also been invited to be guest of honor at the July 24th meeting of the Lady Bugs Knitting Club of Lancaster, New York. He will get to read the minutes from the previous meeting, proudly wear a miniature lady bug pin on his hat, learn the difference between a knit and a pearl, and tally the 15 cent "swearing fines" at the end evening.

But the Uber-Highlight will surely be on July 30th. I've billed it as "The Night of a Thousand Queens". The Pope is practically fainting. On that magical night, our friends, Jason and Chris, will escort the Pope and me in regal style to the infamous Club Marcella in downtown Buffalo. For the Sunday night Drag Queen show.

I've promised the Pope there will be Queens-a-plenty,(most wearing exceptional head gear) to help take his mind off the Queen of Hearts. We're already planning our outfits. We've secured the haute couture Papal Purse. The Papal Hat we've picked needs a few more sequins and feathers. And since the Pope's Papal Robe is practically a dress, we're saving money and saying, "good enough, then". Because there will be women at the show with a different agenda than mine, the most important accessory I'll be wearing is my "I like boys" pin.

No doubt, we'll have a smashing time at the Club. It will the do the Pope a world of good to be among royalty again.

The Spiritual Journey~ Portal

To be on a spiritual journey is to constantly evolve.
On that journey, we must be willing to heal the past,
let go of our fears and allow positive change.
One step at a time.
With conscious awareness.
With undaunted courage.


Here is the portal to the path of change.
We must choose to step over the threshold.
We must choose to begin.

The Spiritual Journey~ Exult

In the midst of change, it helps to exult
the positive aspects of our lives.
In the midst of change, it helps to remember
we are glorious beings.

The Spiritual Journey~ Emerge

Here we begin the process of emerging
from old, worn-out patterns.
Emerging from our backgrounds
into the fresh and into the new.

The Spiritual Journey~ Metamorphose

Here we are in the full throws of
spiritual, magical metamorphosis.
It is not always easy.

The Spiritual Journey~ See

Now is the time to be acutely aware
of the inner work that must be done
to accomplish positive change.
We must see ourselves clearly.

The Spiritual Journey~ Persevere

It is critical to persevere on the positive course of action,
especially now that we feel opposition mounting.
We are discouraged.
We are unpopular.
We are filled with despair.

But we must stand tall.

We must let the royal spirit within us carry us through
the most difficult point on the path.

The Spiritual Journey~ Unfold

After much toil and perhaps sorrow,
we slowly begin to blossom anew.
Our hidden wings unfold.
We feel the changes taking place.
We are not afraid.

The Spiritual Journey~ Soar

Our mind is expanding.
Our enthusiasm ignites.
We soar with delight on fresh wings.

The Spiritual Journey~ Welcome

We are balanced. We are open. We are healed.
We have given birth to a time of new beginnings.
We welcome our new selves and the opportunities that await us.


We recognize the spiritual journey as a continuous spiral path.
We willingly approach the next portal.

Independence

A student dictionary from 1962 defines Independence as "Freedom from control by others; self-government". This weekend, I struggle with the idea of independence. Not the kind we celebrate every 4th of July, but the kind that originates within me. The kind I freely give or withhold from myself depending on how strong my fears are.

My fears are the "others" defined in the dictionary. My fears are what control me. My fears keep me from the freedom to live out the possibilities of my life. My fears prevent self-government.

I wish to live a larger life. I wish to contribute more to the re-balancing of this planet. But, in order to achieve that, I must choose that. Making that choice brings up my fears. Making that choice brings forth past ghosts. Making that choice to move forward paralyzes me.

I search for ways to overcome my inertia. I decide to clean out my art studio, hoping to give myself a fresh, creative jumpstart. Clear out stale fears as I clear out stale papers. Two hours into the clearing, I get bogged down with indecision of what to keep and what to throw away. What reflects my current interests, what reflects interests I have moved beyond. Slowly, painfully, I grind to a halt. I realize I am sitting in the midst of a paper explosion. Each paper likely symbolizing a fear. I want to cry.

One way I know to overcome a fear is to sit in silence. Sit,with the ears of my heart and the ears of my mind open. Sit, until the Invisible Force that created sunflowers and snowflakes, whispers a way out. Instead of crying, I step over the paper explosion and sit in a room with a different view. Eventually, I hear "get a garbage bag". Suddenly, my mind clears and I know I must pitch or recycle everything that hasn't interested me in the last 6 months. Ruthless, yes. But my independence depends on it. My freedom from control by governing fears, depends on it. I must literally and symbolically clear the way for a more purpose-driven, contributing, and loving life.

Two garbage bags later, I can see the floor again. Two garbage bags later, I can sense my heart again, urging me past fear into clear. Urging me on to independence.

Baha'i Prayer For Peace

Be generous in prosperity,
and thankful in adversity.

Be fair in thy judgement,
and guarded in thy speech.

Be a lamp unto those who walk
in darkness, and a home
to the stranger.

Be eyes to the blind, and a guiding light
unto the feet of the erring.

Be a breath of life to the body of humankind,
a dew to the soil of the human heart,
and a fruit upon the tree of humility.


From the book: Emissary of Light by, James Twyman


{My Onkel Thomas and his accordian, of Flensburg, Germany.
A dew to the soil of the heart, is he.}

Backyard Magic

For 49 weeks out of the year, my backyard is ordinary. It sports a large walnut tree, a sprawling patch of lily-of-the-valley, and a cringe-invoking view of the neighbor's above ground pool. I rarely enjoy my yard.

But for 3 weeks out of the year, my backyard is extraordinary. Dreamy. Magical. For 3 weeks, just past the summer solstice, the starry firmament bends low and sweeps stardust across my lawn. For 3 weeks, my backyard is lit with the come-hither dance of untold numbers of fire flies.

Like pagan lovers, they emerge at twilight. For one fleeting hour they sparkle and twinkle and form constellations on my lawn. For one fleeting hour, 3 weeks in a row, I stand breathless and mesmerized before them.

Each little point of light is on a mission. Each one has an objective, a goal, a purpose in life. With limited time to accomplish their goals, they waste no time on stage fright. There are no fire flies wavering in uncertainty at the bottom of a blade of grass. At twilight, they get right down to business. The business of being themselves. Just as God made them to be. And just how do they accomplish their goals, their objectives, their purposes in life? They shine. And they shine. And they shine.

They reveal their light to draw towards themselves exactly what they want. They reveal the light that shines within. Unabashedly. Magically. With purpose. With no apologies.

Small Town America~ Cruise Night

Wisdom

Wisdom is the result of knowledge combining with action. When we gain intellectual knowledge, it doesn't mean our lives will significantly improve. It means we have more information than before. It means we have the potential to improve our lives. That improvement does not manifest unless we put our knowledge into action. We must use it and do it. Otherwise, we simply have more crap crowding our minds, distracting us from leading more meaningful lives.

I have recently gained the knowledge of how to attract everything I wish into my life. I was told to dismantle the wall straddling my shoulders. The wall that has kept my heart and my mind on opposite teams. I was told to build a bridge to replace the wall and let my heart have equal say in my everyday life. It was also suggested I get a massage to release the stress from holding the wall.

Not wishing to add more weight to my over-stuffed brain, I've taken action. Today I had a 1 hour massage. Not surprisingly, my shoulders and wing bones were tight as a virgin. I'm currently feeling like cherry jello. Yummy and loose. Wishing to be a very wise woman, I've already booked my next hour of action.

Dismantling the wall may be a bit more tricky. Baby steps are required so I don't get the sh*t scared out of me and franticly hire a mason. Here's one baby step action: I've taken my original images of the Berlin Wall, from a recent trip to Germany, shrunk them, cut them apart and made them into tiny houses. I've added shiny red hearts to signify the freedom that comes from dismantling a wall. My wall, the Berlin Wall, any wall.

My wish, my dream ,my goal is to be a heart-centered wise woman. This will take time. This will take effort. Let's throw patience in for good measure. Most importantly, it will take knowledge of the brain put into action by the heart.


{My wall-turned-love-house collage, shown above, is available at my eBay auctions. Click on the link in the right hand margin.}

Mary's Message To Me

This is me with my friend, Mary. We've been friends for about 4 years. In some circles, she is known as the Mother of God, The Blessed Virgin, and Our Lady of Peace. I believe she is known by 462 other names. For me, she has simply been Mary.

We first found each other at, of all places, Our Lady of Fleas one sunny Sunday morning. Being non-Catholic, I surprised myself by stopping to admire her amid the chipped enamelware and stained doillies. She was beautiful. I suddenly had to have her. And for a mere 7 bucks, the Queen of Heaven came home with me.

From that Sunday on, Mary has made herself a part of my life. I now have a wall in my home covered with her images, each one altered to varying degrees of possible blasphemy. I have few worries, though, of frying in hell for taking creative license with this icon of Christianity. Mary, it turns out, has a dry sense of humor. She confided in me one day that her favorite dessert is cherry tarts. At first, I didn't know how to respond to that confession and I felt myself blushing. But Mary's eyes twinkled and soon we were doubled over in laughter. To reassure me further, she led me to a book that quoted her as saying, "Whatever anyone has needed me to be, I have become". I have needed more laughter in my life, and she has become my jovial muse.

But humor is only a small part of her message to me. I've known there is something bigger, something deeper, something more life altering up Mary's blue sleeve. For 4 years, there has been a message I have been unable to hear, unwilling to hear and likely, unprepared to hear.

Until now.

Mary's message is surprisingly simple: the human heart is sacred. It is the gateway to everything. Love, peace, money, enlightenment. Mary has been working overtime lately to get the point across to me. Because it's time in my development to up the ante. It's time to more consciously embrace the gifts of this heavenly planet. This can only be accomplished by seeing, feeling and breathing with the heart. Mary thinks I'm ready for this. My gut says she's right.

First on the list of heart-opening exercises: stop judging myself at every turn. Stop finding fault with my body. Stop putting the needs of everyone around me in front of my own. Mary says to be more self-supportingly selfish. Miraculously, the needs of all others in my life will be met if I first and foremost take care of my own needs. Mary says to let others take responsibility for what is rightfully theirs, and I will take responsibility for what is rightfully mine. The heart is meant to be open, not burdened.

I feel blessed to have Mary in my life. She is one of my secret weapons to happiness. She knows what I need, when I need it. Luckily, she exists beyond the confines of religion and chooses to befriend anyone with a sincere calling to live a life of heightened joy and heightened love. She has willingly taken on the role of Feminine Archetype of Love. I have willingly pinned a thousand heart-shaped milagros to her blue dress.

Know Thyself

I've been trying to get into my own head. Analyze the conscious and the unconscious. Find out more about what makes me tick. Become more aware of my foibles and inhibiting habits. Get a check-up from the neck-up. Know myself. All in an attempt to invoke a more positive, fruitful life.

Yes, I should be exploring my heart, not my mind. My heart is the proverbial final frontier I've been told. The key to unlocking the sunken treasure. Or maybe Pandora's box. But old habits die slowly, so like an addict sucking on the bones of crushed cigarettes in an ash tray, I'm feverishly exploiting my brain for clues on how to fine tune my life. Eventually, I'll wear myself out and get repulsed by the taste of stale nicotine. Until then, the grey matter is in overdrive.

In addition to a consultation with a wise woman about how to build a bridge, my whirling brain has received a brief message from an angel, via a psychic, my handwriting has been analyzed and my palm has been read.

The angel said I need to say the word "No" more often, and suggested I get a massage. I've suddenly become very fond of the angelic realm. ( I plan to google Gabriel). The handwriting analyst gave me the good news I'm not a serial killer. But she repeatedly declared I'm a control freak. This was not a news flash. I live in my brain, sister. Of course I want everything my way! Conveniently, the handwriting analyst doubled as the palm reader. She told me my heart was left for dust by a past lover, but the rains were on their way and my heart would soon be flooded with love again. And just to confirm my freak-status, the palm reader told me I have two fate lines. She had no idea what to make of this.

Here's my guess. After way too much analysis, I think the lines represent the two lives I can choose to live. One life is lived mostly in the brain. The other life is lived in sweet compromise with a heart, a brain and a bridge. I believe that's the self I will choose to know. A self that's a little less controlling, but still a freak at heart.


Wooden Head Sculpture by: Gunter Skrodski/ Haddstedt, Germany

Tuesday Night Poetry

...So will I build my altar in the fields,
And the blue sky my fretted dome shall be,
And the sweet fragrance that the wildflower yields
Shall be the incense I will yield to Thee.


From: "To Nature"
By: Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The Bridge

Babies and me are not magnetic. I'm not the woman who launches across the room to smell their hair or cradle their heads in my arms. They make me feel slightly uncomfortable. I usually make them cry.

Two days ago, that began to change for me. Two days ago, it was made clear to me I have a wall between my brain and my heart. And two days ago, I met Eleanor.

My status as the Queen of Denial was jeapordized the moment I was told, by a very wise woman, I let my brain get in my way. I live too much in the intellect. I deny my heart equal standing in my daily life. Yes, my personal Berlin Wall rides squarely across my shoulders, separating my dominant rational mind from those inconvenient, messy emotions of the heart. I was told it is time to dismantle the wall and use that same raw material to build a bridge. A bridge between my heart and my mind. A bridge that allows safe passage for more goodness to enter my life.

Wishing to remain Queen, I objected. "I don't know how to build that bridge," I said, with more than a hint of Chardonay in my tone. "You'll figure it out", the wise woman assured. Great. That's all I need. One more metaphor to add to my already crowded list. Doors, wondows, walls, gates and now, Sweet Jesus, I'm supposed to build a bridge.

As luck would have it, I met with my cousin Lise and her 6 week old baby, Eleanor, the very same day I was told to dive headlong into the bridge-building business. Little did I know they were each master architects.

Lise gave me the blueprint when she suggested I start by consciously inviting God into my heart, my mind and my home. Eleanor laid the foundation when, after 6 hours of hesitation on my part, I surrendered to her charms, her warmth and her sweet smelling hair. She slept over my heart for 2 miraculous hours. And in those 2 miraculous hours of surrender, she took my heart to task. She inflicted serious damage to the wall, she reversed my thinking by not shedding a tear and, God love her, she started the bridge.

The Plunge

Inner growth feels painful. Everytime the Universe insists I rise higher on my chosen path, I feel myself resist. I feel myself pause on the step, unsure if I wish to climb higher. Unsure if I will be safe. Unsure if my imagined vulnerability will send me careening backwards, ass to grass.

And then if I make it to the top of the steps, lord, I don't know who will be there to catch me if I take the plunge. Take the risk. Take the chance.

Usually, while I'm wavering, the Universe gets bored and puts loving boot to butt and suddenly, I'm in motion. Facing the monsters, facing the fears, facing the love I have withheld from myself. Crying the whole way down.

Just as suddenly, though, my feet hit terra firma. My tears dry. My resistance leaves. My strength doubles. And I realize, I am the one who has caught me.

Brandenburg Gate Photos

All photos and text in this blog are copyright: Graciel Evenstar 2006

The Gate: Chapter 3

This is the gate I will ponder the most. This is the gate that will demand the most. This is the gate that will lead to the most. This is the Brandenburg Gate.

The Brandenburg Gate lies in my new favorite city, Berlin. It was built between 1788 and 1791 under the commission of Friedrich Wilhelm the 2nd. It was built to represent peace. The Gate is 65 feet high, 213 feet wide and 36 feet thick. It has 12 Greek Doric columns, 6 on each side, creating 5 lanes of passage. The Gate is crowned by a Quadriga, consisting of the Goddess of Peace driving a 4 horse chariot in triumph. In her hand is raised an iron cross surrounded by an olive wreath.

The Gate has known shame on at least 3 different occasions. Once, when a little French man, with out-sized ego, took over Berlin in 1804 and filched the Quadriga. Twice, when the 20th century anti-Christ draped the Gate in swastika banners. Thrice, when the Party-Of-Lost-Souls incorporated the Gate into the Berlin Wall for 28 years.

But this is a stalwart Gate. The Quadriga was rescued and returned to her loft in 1814. The Gate was the only structure left standing in the ruins of the Pariser Platz section of Berlin in 1945. And the Gate stood firm amid the wither and decay of Communism.

The Brandenburg Gate now stands as a symbol of freedom and the reunification of the 2 sides of Berlin.

It is an awesome structure to behold. Massive and beautiful. Imposing and welcoming. It is no small event when one chooses to walk through one of it's 5 lanes. Numerologically, the number 5 represents freedom through change. To pass under and through the Brandenburg Gate (in person, or in your mind) is to agree to change. Change, within one's self, the attitudes and habits that inhibit the freedom to live as God made you. Change the comfortable self-delusion that playing small is nobel. Change the conditioned responses to the dogmas that keep us apart from ourselves.

The Goddess of Peace atop the Gate reminds us that the wild horses of the human mind can be handled with firmness and love to create a life of peace. Yes, it takes effort and consistency and more self-love than we're taught to express. But the lanes of triumph are clear and open and ready to be trod.

Peace is the goal. Love is the Gate. Choice is the way.

Turkey Vultures

On first, second and third sight, turkey vultures are no bastions of beauty. Their heads are red and naked. No headress, no crown, no excitable crest. Shriveled and bald is the mark of their Avian Order. They have blackish feathers, with a nearly eagle-sized wing span of 6 feet. They soar and circle on thermals, with wings held slightly above the dihedral. They have amazing eyesight and a highly developed sense of smell. They eliminate waste over their own legs and feet.

I respect this bird above all others. Beauty aside, there is great purpose in the design of this bird. It has a tremendously needful niche in nature. Turkey vultures are members of the raptor family, yet they do not kill their own prey. They are scavengers of the dead and decomposing. Their bald head allows them to dip their beaks into the rotting entrails and flesh, thereby cleaning the environment of infections and bacteria that would otherwise spread. Eliminating waste over their own legs purifies themselves of harmful organisms. Turkey vultures are the disease prevention task force of the wild.

These birds are specialized and amazing. They have a very specific role to play in the balance of the world. No, they can't compete with swans or cardinals for ornithological centerfolds, but they have richness and purpose. They have their own brand of majesty.

So too do we have richness and purpose and majesty. Very few of us are swans and cardinals. But we each have an incredible niche role to play in this world. We are each designed to be highly specialized in our offering to the betterment of humankind. We each possess a role and talent that no other human can offer to the mix. We must humbly ask our Maker to reveal that role, that talent. We must ask until it is made clear. And when it is made clear, we must use ourselves and use ourselves and use ourselves to clean the world of it's false darkness and disease.

Reciprocity

My favorite word is reciprocity. It means to return in kind. Not only does the word sound delightful rolling off the tongue, it is a Universal one-word edict. When consciously applied, reciprocity creates bona-fide miracles.

A favorite example of this reciprocal energy comes to me from nature. I live my life under the assumption that nature is highly intelligent. It pays close attention and is fanatical about checks and balances. If one dares to honor nature in a world that habitually harms it, there will always be a reward specifically and succinctly directed at the one doing the honoring. Taylor-made reciprocity.

Last weekend, on the way to pick up a friend for our Sunday ritual at Our Lady of Fleas, I came upon a dead cat in the road. As is usual for me, I stopped to remove the grey tabby from the pavement and laid it on the grass. I cannot bear to see a cat reduced to bloody mush. It belongs to someone. It is loved by someone. It's crushed body could horrify someone. I can't allow that. So long as I'm not in a cocktail dress or late for a business meeting, I will stop to honor the crushed cats of America. I said a prayer on the tabby's behalf and asked for it's highest good. I honored the value of it's life. And then I went on with my day.

My return in kind came less than one week later. It came right to my own backyard. I was graced with the presence of the first red-bellied woodpecker to visit my yard since moving to Akron 1 1/2 years ago. In my love affair with birds, I am first and foremost the mistress of the red belly. Reciprocity lit the way to my suet feeder. I have swooned upon his arrival every day since.

When applied to human beings, the return in kind can save a life, restore a life or improve a life. Reciprocity does not have to happen quickly and it does not have to be extended back to the person who extended it to you, although it certainly can be. The world would be a more peaceful planet if reciprocal energy was constant and fluid. Someone gave you $30 twelve years ago when you were less than financially solvent? Tomorrow leave that same $30 as a tip for your beleaguered waitress. Someone sent flowers to your hospital room three years ago? Hand deliver an I Love You card to your grandfather in the nursing home tomorrow. Extend miracles because miracles have been extended to you. The life you will likely save, restore or improve is your own.

The Gate: Chapter 2

The other night I went for a bird watching walk through Akron Falls Park. There was a veritable choir amongst the spring leaves. A few of my favorite performers took turns at center stage~ the melodious Catbird, the ever-polite Cedar Waxwing and the stunning, sunshine-in-feathers Baltimore Oriole. It was a soul-soothing 2 hour stroll. Serene and satisfied, I made my way to the park exit. When I got there, I met the park gatekeeper. We exchanged pleasantries. As I left the park, he closed the gate behind me with a clang. It was exactly sunset.

My first thought was,"Oh dear God, there's no going back". Not to the park~ that would open again at 6am, but to something in my life on which the sun had set. Something I would be wise to let shut behind me and keep walking forward.

As often happens to me regarding signs, omens and portents, I understand the intellectual meaning, but have a delayed understanding of the meat of the matter. And things often get chaotic before the meat is properly digested and a new way of being emerges.

I did not care for the events of the 2 days following that clang. Multitudinous small things went wrong, at practically the same moment. My new squirrel-proof bird feeder brought protests from my neighbor downstairs( too much bird-poop would end up on her line dried sheets, didn't I know). A platoon of small ants marched through my bathroom window. That final hair slid down the drain that caused the bath that wouldn't leave. Love-sick rabbits did the nasty in my brand new pink begonia plant and tore it to bits. Water poured into my car from under the dashboard while driving.

I was not amused. But I knew it was all about the mysterious gate I was metaphorically walking through. I knew I was being tested. So instead of engaging in self-pity,(drank that whine, didn't like the hangover), I sucked it up, bought drain cleaner, moved my bird feeder out of poop range, methodically flushed the platoon down the sink, repotted the shreds of love-scarred begonia and ignored the water in my car.

The saying goes, it is darkest before the dawn. I would choose to add, it is messiest before the gate. There's crap and poop and clogs and floods. But I sense it will all be worth it.

Perhaps this gate is simply about taking my life in stride. About rising above the minor messes that creep into my days. About taking needful action to set my life straight instead of needing or demanding someone else do it for me. Maybe it's about letting the sun set and the gate clang shut on the messy, irritating thoughts that clog up my brain and ruin precious days. Maybe it's about choosing to use my mind as the gate to daily serenity and daily satisfaction through positive thinking. Maybe it's simply about finding the splendor in the crap.